I love this card that I got for our wedding anniversary in May. It sums me up, and it sums up Claire and my relationship. I am a knob, but a real nice knob, and my Claire knows that. She has stuck to me like glue. We first met in May 2014 (and Ted the Terrier) and it has been a journey of absolute love, almost derailed by myself, and both of us very much hurt by people we thought friends. Claire still hurts now, as I do. And this piece of prose is both release and condemnation.
Wind the clock forward and Claire and I were out running to the summit of Speinne Mor next to Loch Frisha on Mull, about 4 miles from Tobermory. I had been up for a few days to celebrate her birthday. I currently type on Thursday 6th June as I head back on the Oban to Glasgow train. I now proof read on the Glasgow to Manchester train.
Back to the fell running, which was absolutely wonderful with a brisk wind, clear views, and impending storm clouds; very atmospheric. And for me coupled with the excitement of exploring new landscape. There was a sense of freedom about it, and a sense of freedom from people who I have hurt deeply, and who Claire and I suffered from deeply.
Learnt a lot from it mind you, and here are some thoughts. Thoughts that may help someone with recovery, or for that matter someone dealing with grief as regards people. (In my case a collection of self-centred, opinionated, judgemental people who live in Saddleworth, thereabouts.) No spite or malice aforethought on my part, just my views. And this does not in any way excuse my awful and bat shit crazy hurtful horrid behaviour when in the depths of drink and pain.
So, back in May 2023 I picked up finally (but one can only keep it in the day) and this set off a final and fatal chain of events that led to my finally surrendering and listening to people and engaging with the wonderful ANEW. The charity battered and loved me at the same time. It helped me look at me and deal with me and the trauma I carried from childhood; and I suspect that all of us in someway carry trauma.
Anyway, let’s not get too heavy. This is what I learnt.
2001 - 2024
So I get back in 2021 from Linwood House after a horrific 2021 where my addiction to alcohol caused mayhem. And I mean mayhem. Those who are there, have been there will understand when Mr Hyde really comes out, and Dr Jekyll disappears. (See Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.)
In my case Mr Hyde came out in a series of bizarre and insane behaviours. I attacked Claire and others on WhatsApp, Facebook, verbally, and it upset and hurt people. I regret it and have (though in a ham fisted way) tried to make amends. There is not a day that goes by where I don’t feel guilt. This is what we do unfortunately, and be aware if you have done this it is not good but it is okay. You have to realise you are poorly and in addiction and in a lot of mental pain. Yet, you must take ownership of and really accept what you have done. And it’s painful, it really is to face up to poor behaviour, sit in it, yes sit in it and feel shitty, with no option to use or escape. That is the start of what we call keeping your side of the street clean and it helps us realise who we are, what we can be capable of, and of how we can change for the better as human beings. I wish all people would take this approach, as it would make for a better world, whether addict or not.
Quick Addiction Overview
I had a “interesting childhood” with two alcoholic parents running a pub in Macclesfield that scarred me for a variety of reasons and probably helped my being estranged from my younger brother, though sadly that’s his choice. I have also suffered all my life from Pure “O” OCD, plagued with intrusive thoughts ad nauseum. I was diagnosed in adulthood, aged 36. I am 53 in September. So quite a bit of baggage there. The OCD has been a gift and burden, for example helping with a Law Degree across to business. But overall, and with the trauma, I drank and drank to escape mind and memory - quite normal self-medication I have learnt. It is all I knew and what I saw and learnt from (I now realise) two struggling parents. I ran away to University, to London, throwing myself into studies and career. Success hit me, in a way. But I inevitably knew it would catch up, and it did. That’s all a different story suffice to say self-medication inevitably led to dependency and addiction, as I struggled to live. I make no excuse here by the way. I ultimately chose to pick drink up. All of us have choices to deal with what life, baggage we have, and I chose badly as some of us do. Drowning all, and losing a drowning self in drink. No excuse and I don’t ask for sympathy. I am guilty of utter carnage, hurt and hate.
What I want to talk about in this post is how you will be treated by some people. Based on my experience. And I use examples. This is to (I have to admit) let go of resentment, maybe pass on experience, and call out some people who maybe need a kick up the arse over their behaviour and how it impacts others. Anyway, I’ll probably get in shit for this, but who cares. I certainly don’t (well I do actually) after what has happened. In being facetious I merely drive home a point that being honest with yourself and others is better than bottling it up. And you can apologise if wrong. Caveat - that does not give you a right to be rude or a twat and then apologise. Do good always. But accept mistakes.
So what did I learn about Peeps and addiction?
People will be angry, frustrated, concerned, worried; a whole host of emotions. This is normal as you have been absolutely bat shit crazy.
It is normal to doubt yourself. You will recover and discover you are a good person and have a lot to offer from the experience you have been through. All of us are flawed and don’t forget that. This includes people who disown you, throw you to the dogs.
It is normal for people to then fall into two categories. Those who stick by you, know who you really are, come to your aid, and even better give you “what for” with honesty as to your antics. Then there are those who you thought friends, but in fact only care (less politely, only give a shit) about number one. Dealing with addiction and your awful behaviour for them is just too much, and they are not real friends; not seeing the true you, gossiping, judging, tittle tattle, character assassination. This is what you have to sadly face. I explain more in the next point.
Why do they do this? Well, as far as I can tell all people are flawed and some people can’t and won’t look within and see their behaviours, their nastiness, and how they affect others. You see most people are not in recovery, are inward looking, and judge addiction as the person being intrinsically nasty in themselves, and don’t realise this is not the case (I don’t think people as a whole are nasty) and it’s really the case the person is ill and what we see are poorly behaviours. They mistake person with behaviour. And if you talk to any addict properly you’ll find they are decent people trying to survive in a shit storm - again this does not condone or justify poor behaviour. But you will learn there is more to it than this. I learnt I had “friends” who were in fact people who make themselves feel better by acting in a clique that suits them, judge people in addiction (and not) as being bad people, spread rumours and gossip. Here was something beyond a lack of understanding. It is so sad and really hurts people. These people act outward and not inward, insecure, judgemental, because they can’t look at their own behaviours, sadness, trauma etc. Instead “bullying” others to justify their action and who they are. And they are bullies.
I am harsh, but I need to be. These people exist. In recovery or life you need to know about them. I am a knob, always have been. But I am a kind hearted knob. And these people caused me to lose that and doubt myself. How brutal, how awful. And if you are reading this, be proud of being a knob, and admitting that and being vulnerable. As this makes you human, with comprehension of the mistakes people make.
They caused my recovery to dive and dive badly. But I won’t detail. Basically I was ostracised by these people, who we had around for Christmas dinner, had been on holiday with, who helped force me out of the Saddleworth Runners Club, caused more poor behaviour on my part, and damaged Claire. And these are friends?
Well they are ex-friends. They jettisoned me, and I feel rich for this, rich. I no longer sit trapped in their clique where people are bullied, feelings hurt, gossip occurs, and the rest. I feel like I dodged a bullet.
Is there hope? Is there action?
Yes indeed. When you are bounced out of friendships, it is meant to happen. Universe and all that. You have to understand that true humanity is being there for someone, no matter what. If that does not happen then that’s okay, and that it is natural to question yourself. As an addict and in a vulnerable position, people can be very cruel. But in common parlance, “fuck em.” I mean why waste what time we have on people who don’t really care about others.
It is apt that I listen to Pink Floyd’s The Dark side of the Moon and specifically Brain Damage.
We all make mistakes and it is how we learn from these mistakes, apply the learning, and pass our knowledge and love to others to help them that’s important.
Some people never get that life can be about helping other people climb out of a mess they are in.
Focus on you and know all people deep within are inherently good. Let the naysayers judge you, as you ain’t going to change them, and as a worldly sage once said, “opinions as like arseholes, everyone has one.”
Attach yourself to people who care and can see the good in people beyond their behaviours, or may have a similar story to you, and get how you tick. They are real, authentic people.
Almost Operatic this thing called life, and Dramatis Personae
Life can be a chore, shit, exciting, a lot of things in fact. But you have control not over people, oh no, but you can control you. And in my case I make light fun of those I encountered when I was ill with addiction in recent years. (And I make no excuses for my behaviour.)
When I moved to Saddleworth (well Mossley) in 2014 I joined the Saddleworth Runners Club, the local fell running club, and became heavily involved, making friends, making friends of Claire’s friends. I even sat on the committee of this club, which became our social life. All was good until I ruined it with addiction and pissing people off. That said…
These “actors” or what I thought were new found friends within this drama blocked me on social media, including Strava, dumped me like a brick, and have the sheer bloody cheek to (behind scenes) keep in touch with Claire after behaving like a pack of wolves. Maybe I did deserve it due to rants, but really? I suppose one could say they acted as they thought right? I agree. But it is a good while after the fact if we look back to 2022 when people were last affected.
But I split hairs. I affected people and they reacted/protected themselves. So I do understand, don’t hold grudges, forgive. I do. I take full responsibility for how I acted.
I do though have a right to call out poor behaviour.
Jen Ulwin-Bishop. My mind bends at how this person can be so critical, gossip, and hold court on a Tuesday night in the pub after Saddleworth Runners club training, and elsewhere. And elsewhere is anyway where she will be listened to. It’s paradoxical when she can be (wants to, chooses to?) the kindest person known to humanity. Gossip, gossip, gossip. The damage caused to Claire and I was paramount to torture. Someone I wish would look in the mirror and look at her own life before judging others over and above her own shit and appalling behaviour. I find it astounding the Saddleworth Runners Club allow and tolerate this. But of course she sits on the Committee and organises the ever so important socials. Fuck me, let’s get our priorities right over and above people’s wellbeing. And it was Jen I suspect was the ringleader that led to my being bounced out/made unwelcome at the club. She has single handedly been a source of malicious comments countless times, at others expense. I’ve seen it. And a number of people accept and turn a blind eye to this, and sadly participate. All morally bankrupt.
(Anecdotally I know of at least one woman runner who feels left out of the Club through the cabal of women of which Jen is a part, in the Saddleworth Runners Club.)
Colin Bishop. Not even sure where to start and probably as troubled as myself. Colin, I cannot thank you enough for the help and care you gave initially (and Jen), but must condemn you on your absolutely cruel behaviour following that and this includes avoiding me, riding off on your bike and being a complete arse and coward. I suspect you are someone who runs away from life, which is okay, but is that humanity? I suspect Colin is a very judgemental person utilising morality and gossip to justify what is clearly a person who is inwardly shameful of himself, and in throwing people under a bus (pun) sits back with all okay in his life as his action in his eyes is justified. A very poorly person spiritually. Someone who can ride away on a bike from what he won’t face. He is the face of cowardice, of true loss of self. I genuinely pity him.
Ruth Hutchinson and Stuart Hutchison disappointed me so so much. How can a couple who appear to be the bastion of Greenfield and Saddleworth niceness be so vacuous, un-empathetic, and judgemental. Ruth, I do change the “dynamic” and always have done, and will continue to do so. Hiding behind niceness you both ran a mile when the shit the fan. And I am glad not to have you in my life anymore. I suspect you both would not piss on someone if they were on fire if it did not suit your middle class needs, or God forbit interfere with you lives. Principles? Pah!
I must admit that I PMSL at Stuart even going to the length of unfollowing me on Strava. I’ll put it up there with all the people who bummed me off on Facebook, but that’s no great loss.
Life has taught me that those desperate and keen to preserve their appearance can be the worse. Judgemental and living a lie as to how they really behave in life; the veneer they put on themselves belies how they actually act underneath. So for example Ruth and Stu work at the GMC in business roles, where I am sure they do good in this world. In real terms I’d prefer to say more akin to polishing a turd.
And lastly, I think back in retrospect of picking up a collapsed Julie O’Regan on the Pennine Way during her White Rose Ultra a few years back? On bumping into her on a train last year, asking kindly as to the loss of her mother, I was rewarded with idle gossip as to this with Jen Ulwin-Bishop and probably others. And when challenged at a Mossley Scout Hall made no apologies and disappeared. All of this from clearly a heartless, shallow person.
It take as lot to completely block people off social media these days, not call, not visit, not check. But I call you people out. I can see right through you.
"Cry 'Havoc!', and let slip the dogs of war."
Saddleworth Runners
With the Saddleworth Runners, I write about a Club that has changed and sadly for the worse in my opinion, and from personal experience, especially with the current committee. It is a Club that is more concerned with “brand” and whether your face fits, than individual well being.
Claire and I have now left this Club with mixed memories and the conclusion I have is we ultimately dodged a bullet with some of the people and the mentality of the Club. I am sure I will be advised otherwise by the resident HR Executive/runner that there are two sides to a story, which I agree with, but hopefully in a less patronising manner than in Sweet Vintage in Mossley.
Sorry, you are not a friendly group, far from it. You welcome people if they fit the profile of who you can socialise with. On the running front, poor (or shit as is put) runners are discarded and excluded.
Like-minded people is correct. A group that can as easily turn on people as well as welcome them. And gossip ad nauseum. I have witnessed it and been the subject.
I was disappointed, but can’t be arsed any more? At the absolute shambolic handling of my being ill by both James Sheard and Richard Gee. Back in November 2021 they really affected my return to recovery by saying best if you keep away from the Club, which triggered me and set me back. Thanks so much Chaps. You have no idea how much damage was done. And so much for a caring club. All of this based on people or I suspect one person bad mouthing myself with tittle tattle. As with any organisation, including a non for profit its ethos flows from the top down. This said I do have respect for Richard for coming to the family home. And whilst I did not crown myself in glory, it sadly all smacked of not wanting to damage the brand, and pandering to judgemental people/person; after all the Club is more important than any one person and their well being.
But both of you judged and in judging without ascertaining full facts, only instead listening to one side have shown yourselves to be weak, shoddy, sloppy; yet sit at the top of the pile with Saddleworth Runners. I would have expected more. I pensively think of how Richard Gee works in a charity (public face) yet Saddleworth Runners conduct (private face) was at odds. And this applies sadly to James, who I think was not as kind hearted or as nice as he positions himself with two public faces of Club and business. But we are all flawed and I get that. Being flawed does not make you a bad actor in the play that is life. But I’m an advertising man by trade and see through form to the substance.
This all reminds me of the old story of The Emperor’s New Clothes. These people are naked in real life to the boy who shouts them out; exposed, now stripped of what they think they wear as clothing - honesty, humanity, help, hope, humility; concerned more with appearance than true belief, emotion, spirituality, all underpinned by action. There is form but certainly no substance.
All this led to a near enough mental breakdown in November 2021 and I turned up on Jen Ulwin-Bishop and Colin Bishop’s doorstep angry and drunk having put two and two together as to words said. Poor, poor behaviour. I then lambasted Jen at Sue Heywood’s birthday. Poor poor. But afterwards Sue was fine and did not judge. In both cases Jen disappeared (I understand) but no apology given. I was the convicted criminal. She later admitted to Claire it was the last time she’d say anything. I await hell freezing over. My behaviour was unacceptable. But I now realise understandable. The Club had been so much a part of our lives and accusations made from nameless people. Richard Gee refusing to divulge. Okay to name me but not others. I felt like Joseph K in Kafka’s The Trial. The strain was palpable on Claire. I unravelled in bizarre drunk fuelled behaviour as I tried to cope. Ranting in Sweet Vintage in front of Tina Hawley, Tanya Haynes, Sharon Lever. And putting Sharon in an intolerable position more than once. Awful stuff and not the full detail of what went on, but it paints a picture. All of this was and is my choice, no one else’s. I take ownership. But do any of you realise what happened? I think not. Chosen ignorance and silence is akin to action. Baseless action.
Now I have my marbles back, I think on the following.
On being asked to not attend the Club but Richard Gee and James Sheard, my private life (which had not brought the Club into disrepute) was brought into the Club (and Claire’s.) A clear breach of privacy and a conflict of interest.
James Sheard sent an e-mail around the Committee, nothing discussed with myself or Claire; completely impinging our privacy to strangers not abreast of what was going on.
There was no explanation as to the justification for this, nor any Club rules broken by myself. In fact there was are no rules for members on joining the Club, nor on a contractual basis.
The action taken by James Sheard and Richard Gee was taken on their own volition based on the words of Jen Ulwin-Bishop and possibly others.
Point 4 is irrelevant. The key point is the action taken with no sound legal basis.
In November 2021 I renewed my membership fees. Tina Hawley (Treasurer) informed Claire my wife outside of my knowledge of this. What of GDPR, Confidentiality?
I’m half tempted to go to a lawyer, report to the ICO, FRA. Can I be arsed? Still thinking about it.
Creating long lasting friendships? Nice prose. Complete crock of shit. If your face fits, you are okay. If you fuck up you are dropped and excluded like a bomb. Inclusive? My arse. Where for example as all the ethnic minorities in the Saddleworth Runners?
With all the above, there are however a number of decent, lovely, caring people who are a pleasure to run and socialise with and should not be tarred by a cabal of women (mostly) that pull the club into disrepute and were shitty to me, and by proxy Claire.
I repeatedly tried to make amends but admit I would then go off the rails and so so hard for people, in fact all of what I have written could be utter bollocks and unjustifiable.
Des Thorpe, an old contact once said of the Club; it is only a running club. And thank fuck I can see that now.
Conclusion
So I bring my words to an end and sum up with what I have learnt.
Be aware you are a good person. There are no bad people in this world really; it just may be hard to see. It has been said there is a little good in the worse of us, and a little bad in the best of us. We are all flawed.
In fucking up as an addict or otherwise you are so well placed to see the flaws in people and not judge them off hand, merely correct if you can their behaviour.
And remember you only have control over yourself and no one else. You can change your behaviours but cannot change others. You can live a full life helping people, passing on what you’ve learnt, help people up and out of a pit, and not walk away. That is real courage and humanity. Cowardice (cf Colin Bishop) is proverbially getting on a bike and cycling away. Please don’t live by others standards. Live you own.
We can all help each other even when we fuck up.
Who do you choose to be?
Consternation and equanimity
I don’t confess to all the answers over what has happened and don’t intend to seek them. Nor do I stand on a pedestal immune from criticism. I repeatedly relapsed, ranted, sent apologies and some in the form of cards. If they fell on deaf ears I understand. I do. Repeatedly behaving poorly tries anyone’s patience and I know I did. So sorry if I offend or am wrong.
Could and should I have done better?
Yes and yes.
Lily Allen, finishing, and to the Naysayers
And finally for the Naysayers out there who hurt myself and Claire, with special mention to Jen Ulwin-Bishop here’s one from Lily Allen at her best.
Addendum
It is Claire’s birthday this week, hence being in Tobermory. I am no longer a fan of Facebook (especially after my antics) but could not help but notice lovely birthday wishes on Claire’s timeline.
What does bloody well stick in my craw is people wishing happy birthday who were not there, did not get involved, did naff all when all was in free fall, and like Paula Vennells of Post Office fame must live in bleedin’ la la land; mixing with the individuals who caused such mischief, happy as Larry in their lives as though sod all happened. Old phrase: if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, then it’s a duck. And by the same token if it is a two faced twat, then it’s a two faced twat. Can’t speak for Claire but certain people can shove their happy birthday sentiments right where the sun certainly does not shine. They are about as sincere as a Tory Politician, and that says volumes!