So, back in May 2023 I picked up finally (but one can only keep it in the day) and this set off a final and fatal chain of events that led to my finally surrendering and listening to people and engaging with the wonderful ANEW. The charity battered and loved me at the same time. It helped me look at me and deal with me and the trauma I carried from childhood; and I suspect that all of us in someway carry trauma.
Anyway, let’s not get too heavy. This is what I learnt.
2001 - 2024
So I get back in 2021 from Linwood House after a horrific 2021 where my addiction to alcohol caused mayhem. And I mean mayhem. Those who are there, have been there will understand when Mr Hyde really comes out, and Dr Jekyll disappears. (See Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.)
In my case Mr Hyde came out in a series of bizarre and insane behaviours. I attacked Claire and others on WhatsApp, Facebook, verbally, and it upset and hurt people. I regret it and have (though in a ham fisted way) tried to make amends. There is not a day that goes by where I don’t feel guilt. This is what we do unfortunately, and be aware if you have done this it is not good but it is okay. You have to realise you are poorly and in addiction and in a lot of mental pain. Yet, you must take ownership of and really accept what you have done. And it’s painful, it really is to face up to poor behaviour, sit in it, yes sit in it and feel shitty, with no option to use or escape. That is the start of what we call keeping your side of the street clean and it helps us realise who we are, what we can be capable of, and of how we can change for the better as human beings. I wish all people would take this approach, as it would make for a better world, whether addict or not.
Quick Addiction Overview
I had a “interesting childhood” with two alcoholic parents running a pub in Macclesfield that scarred me for a variety of reasons and probably helped my being estranged from my younger brother, though sadly that’s his choice. I have also suffered all my life from Pure “O” OCD, plagued with intrusive thoughts ad nauseum. I was diagnosed in adulthood, aged 36. I am 53 in September. So quite a bit of baggage there. The OCD has been a gift and burden, for example helping with a Law Degree across to business. But overall, and with the trauma, I drank and drank to escape mind and memory - quite normal self-medication I have learnt. It is all I knew and what I saw and learnt from (I now realise) two struggling parents. I ran away to University, to London, throwing myself into studies and career. Success hit me, in a way. But I inevitably knew it would catch up, and it did. That’s all a different story suffice to say self-medication inevitably led to dependency and addiction, as I struggled to live. I make no excuse here by the way. I ultimately chose to pick drink up. All of us have choices to deal with what life, baggage we have, and I chose badly as some of us do. Drowning all, and losing a drowning self in drink. No excuse and I don’t ask for sympathy. I am guilty of utter carnage, hurt and hate.
What I want to talk about in this post is how you will be treated by some people. Based on my experience. And I use examples. This is to (I have to admit) let go of resentment, maybe pass on experience, and call out some people who maybe need a kick up the arse over their behaviour and how it impacts others. Anyway, I’ll probably get in shit for this, but who cares. I certainly don’t (well I do actually) after what has happened. In being facetious I merely drive home a point that being honest with yourself and others is better than bottling it up. And you can apologise if wrong. Caveat - that does not give you a right to be rude or a twat and then apologise. Do good always. But accept mistakes.
So what did I learn about Peeps and addiction?
People will be angry, frustrated, concerned, worried; a whole host of emotions. This is normal as you have been absolutely bat shit crazy.
It is normal to doubt yourself. You will recover and discover you are a good person and have a lot to offer from the experience you have been through. All of us are flawed and don’t forget that. This includes people who disown you, throw you to the dogs.
It is normal for people to then fall into two categories. Those who stick by you, know who you really are, come to your aid, and even better give you “what for” with honesty as to your antics. Then there are those who you thought friends, but in fact only care (less politely, only give a shit) about number one. Dealing with addiction and your awful behaviour for them is just too much, and they are not real friends; not seeing the true you, gossiping, judging, tittle tattle, character assassination. This is what you have to sadly face. I explain more in the next point.
Why do they do this? Well, as far as I can tell all people are flawed and some people can’t and won’t look within and see their behaviours, their nastiness, and how they affect others. You see most people are not in recovery, are inward looking, and judge addiction as the person being intrinsically nasty in themselves, and don’t realise this is not the case (I don’t think people as a whole are nasty) and it’s really the case the person is ill and what we see are poorly behaviours. They mistake person with behaviour. And if you talk to any addict properly you’ll find they are decent people trying to survive in a shit storm - again this does not condone or justify poor behaviour. But you will learn there is more to it than this. I learnt I had “friends” who were in fact people who make themselves feel better by acting in a clique that suits them, judge people in addiction (and not) as being bad people, spread rumours and gossip. Here was something beyond a lack of understanding. It is so sad and really hurts people. These people act outward and not inward, insecure, judgemental, because they can’t look at their own behaviours, sadness, trauma etc. Instead “bullying” others to justify their action and who they are. And they are bullies.
I am harsh, but I need to be. These people exist. In recovery or life you need to know about them. I am a knob, always have been. But I am a kind hearted knob. And these people caused me to lose that and doubt myself. How brutal, how awful. And if you are reading this, be proud of being a knob, and admitting that and being vulnerable. As this makes you human, with comprehension of the mistakes people make.
They caused my recovery to dive and dive badly. But I won’t detail. Basically I was ostracised by these people, who we had around for Christmas dinner, had been on holiday with, who helped force me out of the Saddleworth Runners Club, caused more poor behaviour on my part, and damaged Claire. And these are friends?
Well they are ex-friends. They jettisoned me, and I feel rich for this, rich. I no longer sit trapped in their clique where people are bullied, feelings hurt, gossip occurs, and the rest. I feel like I dodged a bullet.
Is there hope? Is there action?
Yes indeed. When you are bounced out of friendships, it is meant to happen. Universe and all that. You have to understand that true humanity is being there for someone, no matter what. If that does not happen then that’s okay, and that it is natural to question yourself. As an addict and in a vulnerable position, people can be very cruel. But in common parlance, “fuck em.” I mean why waste what time we have on people who don’t really care about others.
It is apt that I listen to Pink Floyd’s The Dark side of the Moon and specifically Brain Damage.
We all make mistakes and it is how we learn from these mistakes, apply the learning, and pass our knowledge and love to others to help them that’s important.
Some people never get that life can be about helping other people climb out of a mess they are in.
Focus on you and know all people deep within are inherently good. Let the naysayers judge you, as you ain’t going to change them, and as a worldly sage once said, “opinions as like arseholes, everyone has one.”
Attach yourself to people who care and can see the good in people beyond their behaviours, or may have a similar story to you, and get how you tick. They are real, authentic people.
Almost Operatic this thing called life, and Dramatis Personae
Life can be a chore, shit, exciting, a lot of things in fact. But you have control not over people, oh no, but you can control you. And in my case I make light fun of those I encountered when I was ill with addiction in recent years. (And I make no excuses for my behaviour.)
When I moved to Saddleworth (well Mossley) in 2014 I joined the Saddleworth Runners Club, the local fell running club, and became heavily involved, making friends, making friends of Claire’s friends. I even sat on the committee of this club, which became our social life. All was good until I ruined it with addiction and pissing people off. That said…
These “actors” or what I thought were new found friends within this drama blocked me on social media, including Strava, dumped me like a brick, and have the sheer bloody cheek to (behind scenes) keep in touch with Claire after behaving like a pack of wolves. Maybe I did deserve it due to rants, but really? I suppose one could say they acted as they thought right? I agree. But it is a good while after the fact if we look back to 2022 when people were last affected.
But I split hairs. I affected people and they reacted/protected themselves. So I do understand, don’t hold grudges, forgive. I do. I take full responsibility for how I acted.
I do though have a right to call out poor behaviour.
Jen Ulwin-Bishop. My mind bends at how this person can be so critical, gossip, and hold court on a Tuesday night in the pub after Saddleworth Runners club training, and elsewhere. And elsewhere is anyway where she will be listened to. It’s paradoxical when she can be (wants to, chooses to?) the kindest person known to humanity. Gossip, gossip, gossip. The damage caused to Claire and I was paramount to torture. Someone I wish would look in the mirror and look at her own life before judging others over and above her own shit and appalling behaviour. I find it astounding the Saddleworth Runners Club allow and tolerate this. But of course she sits on the Committee and organises the ever so important socials. Fuck me, let’s get our priorities right over and above people’s wellbeing. And it was Jen I suspect was the ringleader that led to my being bounced out/made unwelcome at the club. She has single handedly been a source of malicious comments countless times, at others expense. I’ve seen it. And a number of people accept and turn a blind eye to this, and sadly participate. All morally bankrupt.
(Anecdotally I know of at least one woman runner who feels left out of the Club through the cabal of women of which Jen is a part, in the Saddleworth Runners Club.)
Colin Bishop. Not even sure where to start and probably as troubled as myself. Colin, I cannot thank you enough for the help and care you gave initially (and Jen), but must condemn you on your absolutely cruel behaviour following that and this includes avoiding me, riding off on your bike and being a complete arse and coward. I suspect you are someone who runs away from life, which is okay, but is that humanity? I suspect Colin is a very judgemental person utilising morality and gossip to justify what is clearly a person who is inwardly shameful of himself, and in throwing people under a bus (pun) sits back with all okay in his life as his action in his eyes is justified. A very poorly person spiritually. Someone who can ride away on a bike from what he won’t face. He is the face of cowardice, of true loss of self. I genuinely pity him.
Ruth Hutchinson and Stuart Hutchison disappointed me so so much. How can a couple who appear to be the bastion of Greenfield and Saddleworth niceness be so vacuous, un-empathetic, and judgemental. Ruth, I do change the “dynamic” and always have done, and will continue to do so. Hiding behind niceness you both ran a mile when the shit the fan. And I am glad not to have you in my life anymore. I suspect you both would not piss on someone if they were on fire if it did not suit your middle class needs, or God forbit interfere with you lives. Principles? Pah!
I must admit that I PMSL at Stuart even going to the length of unfollowing me on Strava. I’ll put it up there with all the people who bummed me off on Facebook, but that’s no great loss.
Life has taught me that those desperate and keen to preserve their appearance can be the worse. Judgemental and living a lie as to how they really behave in life; the veneer they put on themselves belies how they actually act underneath. So for example Ruth and Stu work at the GMC in business roles, where I am sure they do good in this world. In real terms I’d prefer to say more akin to polishing a turd.
And lastly, I think back in retrospect of picking up a collapsed Julie O’Regan on the Pennine Way during her White Rose Ultra a few years back? On bumping into her on a train last year, asking kindly as to the loss of her mother, I was rewarded with idle gossip as to this with Jen Ulwin-Bishop and probably others. And when challenged at a Mossley Scout Hall made no apologies and disappeared. All of this from clearly a heartless, shallow person.
It take as lot to completely block people off social media these days, not call, not visit, not check. But I call you people out. I can see right through you.
"Cry 'Havoc!', and let slip the dogs of war."
Saddleworth Runners
With the Saddleworth Runners, I write about a Club that has changed and sadly for the worse in my opinion, and from personal experience, especially with the current committee. It is a Club that is more concerned with “brand” and whether your face fits, than individual well being.
Claire and I have now left this Club with mixed memories and the conclusion I have is we ultimately dodged a bullet with some of the people and the mentality of the Club. I am sure I will be advised otherwise by the resident HR Executive/runner that there are two sides to a story, which I agree with, but hopefully in a less patronising manner than in Sweet Vintage in Mossley.
