Typing away after a early evening kip for an hour or so. Been gale like today; yet what a Wonderland I wake up to. And as a random half asleep action, I re-post a relatively recent video with an OFFER!
Turning on the Tobermory Christmas Lights
Last night on Main Street, Tobermory, saw the turning on of the Christmas lights.
What a wonderful experience last night being part of the Isle of Mull community as we all saw the Christmas Tractor parade, children choir singing carols, the Tobermory Choir singing carols, Ukulele playing and singing of carols, a raffle, Banjo Beale judging shop fronts, then the countdown to the turning on of the lights.
Full photos and videos can be found at: https://www.flickr.com/gp/petercobley/0t5Cy5zpU1
Tobermory photos. found us. End of the week.
Vivid sunset one morning this week from the house about Tobermory
Sunday 1st December, end of the week, start of a new month and the run up to Christmas. I have had a productive week and one for the most part run on serenity.
I’ve mused over found us, my consultancy business, and am happy with work I have put into the website when consolidating what found us stands for, and for that matter me. It is a business that ultimately helps people, and is an exposition of my world view; give back what was freely given to you. And it is a shame a lot of people in advertising, marketing, and media don’t give back and possess a myopic world view that revolves around ego and self.
I think I demonstrate with found us that there is another way, that one is rich when one gives in business, in life. Monetary and material things naturally follow, but if one is not solely tied to the material world then they do not matter, and less attention is spent trying to screw people over.
Anyway, I think I’ll post some spectacular photos of Tob (how the locals refer to Tobermory), and why? Because the photos may make people think about making change. Claire and I make a major geographical change, that has helped drive change in self; whilst also dumping what I now realise were tenuous relationships with some not so nice people at the Saddleworth Runners.
A vivid sunrise and two photos of a frosty Tobermory, taken from Main Street
This week saw mixed weather to say the least. As fortune would have it the end of the week, Saturday evening, saw nice mild weather for the Tobermory turning on of the Christmas lights, which was wonderful. Read about it in the next post!
My God, its full of stars. I could not resist that with these two photos of Mull at night.
Swimming Thursday night at Aros Park, looking toward Tobermory
There is swimming and then there is swimming.
Looking back to Craignuire on the Oban ferry from Mull, and snow capped hills
Day and night in Tobermory
A post on Tobermory, a place of day and night in terms of living here. In a few mere hours we can see two very different Tobermory’s.
For me this is the delight of the island that is Mull. No one moment is the same visually, but then again is that not life?
Sunday morning of the 17th November 2024
The same view on the evening of Sunday 17th November 2024
It is Monday the 18th just after 5pm as I type. It is fresh but mild outside if that makes sense, and with no rain. We await potential snow as does the rest of the country, especially those in high places. So I may soon see my first snow on the Isle of Mull.
Was down on Main Street earlier, about a couple of hours ago, to do some shopping at the Coop, and it is cheese cake for pudding tonight!
Looking down Main Street this evening
Isle of Mull Cheese (Sgriob-ruadh Dairy Farm and Distillery)
A walk with The Boss today for lovely coffee, cheese and venison toasties, and cake at the Isle of Mull’s very own cheese factory (and distillery.)
The Glass Barn (photo courtesy of Isle of Mull Cheese.)
Yes it was a bit nippy and windy, and we got hit with a rain squall as we walked up from the house, but it was worth it - for the food, the café interior, its shop, and the wonderful company of my wife.
Isle of Mull Cheese is well know and produces wonderful cheese; spirits from the whey by-product of the cheese production. The site is one in the same as the dairy, so a wonderful experience for a family and children.
The interior is rustic, as though from a classic Constable painting or Cider with Rosie. It feels to be transported back to olden days, or days of youth. For me another discovery to be found on Mull.
The Glass Barn (1st photo courtesy of Isle of Mull Cheese.)
The walk back saw no rain but great views looking out and over into the Sound of Mull. I got to say hello to a moo cow.
The view from the dairy farm. And a moo cow.
Don't use Vodafone. From a customer who was with them for nearly 20 years.
I can safely say that Vodafone has gone down hill and the organisation would not know customer service even if it bit Vodafone on the bottom. Very hard on the bottom in fact. I say this as a customer from 1995 who left about 3 months ago this year.
I originally acquired my Motorola flip analogue phone (yes analogue) back in 1995 from Carphone Warehouse (yes, I am that old.)
The provider was Talkland, to be acquired by Vodafone.
And believe it or not I stayed with them based on contract phones, other other tech, e.g. iPads, and their customer service and their being British.
By 2024, I possessed an iPhone 13 on contract, my paying approximately £60pcm, V-Home, and Multitracker.
I’d run my Mum’s phone as well via Vodafone.
So I spent a lot of money over the years.
One key reason for Vodafone was and is their network coverage, especially data.
So what did I notice?
By 2022 I reckon Vodafone had begun to turn into a shit show in terms of customer service, and certainly the case by the time I left in 2024.
What shocked me was my simply requesting the PAC code and Vodafone doing sod all.
Shit customer service, when you could get through to a agent.
Waiting times, not to mention the impenetrable and hard to navigate voice system, to then meet (normally and by no means my criticism of culture) a foreign language agent following a script unable to make decisions, and for the most part possessing bad product knowledge, with a failure to understand simple customer needs.
Though when speaking to technical specialists I can say they did know their stuff.
To then make matters worse Vodafone simply exited its V-Home portfolio of products, saying “bye bye” without some much as offering an alternative or saying sorry.
On enquiring of EE off the back of shifting address with our BT home package I was astounded as to cost savings, service, native British speaking agents, better customer App and UI.
Conclusion
If anyone from Vodafone reads this I am glad to be out. You need to sort your customer services out. You prices stink. You let customers down, including me, as to V-Home. In fact you seem to flippantly deal with your customers. And lastly no effort whatsoever was made to retain a loyal customer of 20+ years.
So in the words of Lilly Allen…..
Time in Tobermory. Time with Wifey. Time with the Parents-in-Law.
Well I type as I watch vintage TV which I always enjoy with Claire and her parents in the house in Tobermory. Two Ronnies at the moment and very funny. I do think at times contemporary comedy crap.
This was this first full day in Tobermory and what a day. Claire off to school for her last day of term, with a half day then the hols, with a trip on the ferry to Kilchoan on the Ardnamurchan peninsular with fellow teachers for a meal. And they were very merry when I met them off the ferry. Ahem. All the more amusing as some of the soccer playing school girls bumped into them outside the Co Op and asked if they’d been drinking. He he he.
We bought fish and chips from the harbour and walked up to the house.
Earlier in the day Claire had headed for school whilst we pottered around at the house, with my eventually getting my arse in gear to put the running gear on and head up to Crater Loch: Lochan 'S Airde Beinn. A loch that sits in an ancient volcanic crater about 3 miles outside of Tobermory and accessed next to three lochs. It is a pleasant climb out of Tobermory on the Dervaig Road before you come off the road and climb a mile to the crater.
It is a spectacular sight, and maybe more so for me because of the strong wind, low grey clouds, and sense of isolation with my being the only person there. It is a highly recommended run or walk.
I ran back to shower to then walk with Josie and Ronnie to meet Claire at An Tobar (arts centre) across the road from where she teaches.
We were meeting there for drinks and food as next door at 2pm was a concert The Scottish Coast by the Inchcolm New Music Ensemble over from Herriot-Watt University with its Director of Music, Matthew Brown, someone I went to school with, sang with, performed with. A very talented, lovely fellow.
I’d had no idea at all about the concert and luckily a mutual school friend, Gareth Hatch, had spotted a Facebook post by Matthew and let me know. And I am so glad he did. The concert magical in the atmospheric Parish Church next to An Tobar. Matthew and his parents who were there, delighted to see us all. It made for good conversation.
The last piece (will need to find its name) was wonderful.
Ah, Tobermory. I love you every time I come.
Journeys of an Englishman travelling foreign climes (well Scotland.)
Today I type from a delayed Scotrail train to Oban. A three hour trip through beautiful scenery. With me are Josie and Ronnie, my parents in law as I chaperone them to Oban and then onto Craignure on the Isle of Mull via Calmac ferry the Isle of Mull. At platform 4 Queen Street, Glasgow the Scotrail people could not connect the two trains together that form the service and we are now over 20 minutes late, with a potential arrival time of 3.54pm into Oban and the ferry 3.55pm. Sat at the very front of the train I can hear it labour as it chases time itself.
I travelled up yesterday from Dukinfield using the very excellent National Express service for Glasgow that calls into Hamilton. Long gone are the lyrical days of the using a service where you could both hide from, and see life.
Take the National Express when your life's in a mess
It'll make you smile
All human life is here
From the feeble old dear to the screaming child
From the student who knows that to have one of those
Would be suicide
To the family man
Manhandling the pram with paternal pride
And everybody sings, "Ba-ba-ba-da"
We're going where the air is free
National Express by the Divine Comedy - Verse 1 - Released 25th January 1999
My life was a mess but is no longer a mess, and I was happy to see both Josie and Ronnie, catch up on sleep in their comfortable house, with today being our journey from Queen Street via train to Oban, Josie deciding and preferring a taxi with a cheerfully pleasant driver. making the station with time to drink lovely coffee (Danish pastry and tart for me) in kaffateria opposite the station. And highly recommended for its coffee.
All fine and we mosied over to the estimated platform 4, which was where I departed from last time I was off to Mull. Now last time there was a problem, and as fate would have it the same problem occurred again. The difference being I was armed with two Scottish pensioners. Very simply the train is made of two parts. And at Crianlarich it splits into a Oban train and a Mallaig train, with the Oban section being the front of the train, normally four carriages, out of Queen Street. Last time they could not connect the train and everyone piled onto the Mallaig train after watching the Oban section sneak out of Queen Street having failed to couple to its mate. Same again, and we watched as our train, our seat reservations, fuck off into the dark tunnel. Sharp walk to other train, looking through windows for those unreserved table seats.
Now I must admit it was better than last time, which was Saturday, hot weather, and a platform knee deep in people, tourists, cyclists. Back then I’d managed to bag a seat opposite a dog named Snoop.
This time though a new train shot in to Queens Street and connected up with the Mallaig section to give a big train, midweek when less busy, and despite no original reservations we did bag a table and seats at the very front of the train. Mind you I did position myself right at the front of the train by the passenger door. Seat table sorted, bags stowed I wandered down the carriages checking on some unfortunate elderly ladies who were on a three week painting holiday taking in the Inner and Outer Hebrides, and like us armed with bags had been caught short on the platform; where we had spoken earlier. All three were good and I returned to the seat to type this post, eat some M&S crisps from a meal deal, and relax at the view, as were Ronnie and Josie.
Shame there is no Trolly Dolly as I could murder a coffee, but laugh inside at some more Divine Comedy lyrics that I remember from the old days of the National Express.
On the National Express there's a jolly hostess
Selling crisps and tea
She'll provide you with drinks and theatrical winks
For a sky-high fee
Mini-skirts were in style when she danced down the aisle
Back in '63 (yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah)
But it's hard to get by when your arse is the size
Of a small country
And everybody sings, "Ba-ba-ba-da"
We're going where the air is free
Tomorrow belongs to me
Verse 2.
Addendum:
As I proof read this I see the Trolly Dolly heading our way. Life is good.
Thoughts on a bike. Thoughts running. Thoughts swimming.
Between Ogden Brook and Chew Hurdles.
I cycle a lot these days. I don’t use a car. But that’s fine because I enjoy the cycling, the freedom it gives me, away from people, and with my thoughts. Cycling and thinking are good things, but only really works on a simple and straight route like a bridleway. But then again a more tricky route can give a break from thinking and let the subconscious kick in.
I’d recommend it.
I’ve started running again and as a number know, I am predominately a trail and fell runner. Originally an all round outdoor type, ending up in mountain biking. I think about running in the hills. It is where I can be alone, with my thoughts, with the scenery I run through, without people to distract me.
People can be very distracting.
I ran yesterday 18.82 miles. Not 19, not 18. Just a number and that’s all that counts for me these days. In the old days I would have rounded it up to 19. Why? I have OCD, or just plain showing off for others. I don’t do this anymore. People call it a paradigm shift.
Out of all of these it is the running or to be precise the fell running (mountain running) that I have fallen in love with, but I have to work to get back into all after not really running properly since May 2023 and before COVID. Tricky times but what has helped has been a shift in how I value things withing my life, choices I can make, and not worrying about emulating others.
I am soon to be 53 in September and back into the running, and taking it gradually. I really, really want to have a crack at the BG Round and this me determined enough. A lot of life I now realise is about action. We can take a long time planning and of thinking what to do, but not doing. Procrastination, which is fear of something, holds us back. I know it has held me back. And if I analyse this with new learning understand this fear is not of failure per se but of not being good enough before others, and this is fed from feelings of worthlessness, of wanting to people please, be good enough. Funny that. In unravelling, through knowledge of self. I am left with fear of self stopping running as I won’t be good enough in front of others, and at its pinnacle when racing.
And this is a shame. Suspicion of self are those basement beliefs that hold us back. Moments from the past that govern us now.
But I know this now and can take action. If you look to the Johari Window and flip it slightly I have shifted from unconscious fear to conscious fear. I am aware of my history, its impact on me, and of how I can take action.
Increasing Your Self-Awareness: The Johari Window - Enrique Rubio - LinkedIn
And my action is to be me, act in the moment, without fear of what others may think, or not think. To look to me AND what I want to do in the moment, or where I have planned the moment.
If I want to fell run, then I do that and don’t need the permission, approval, or sanction of others. Why ought I fear comparison to others for in doing that, i now realise, I reject self.
And I not longer reject who I am.
Krakow and a curious incident.
It is ever so funny that I choose to write this piece about August 2007, which is fast approaching 17 years ago but the rawness is still there as are the people, and what happened and what they did. I have forgiven my behaviour where I was sat in clinical depression and using drink to cope with it, and undiagnosed OCD. I have forgiven Justin Fenny and John Paul Edwards of their cruel behaviour; sadly it is still a memory for me and will remain so.
Thankfully I did make my peace in Krakow on a Round Table trip with the guys, sharing a day with the lovely Dave Powell. Dave and I on the first day had become disconnected from the others who headed to the famous salt mines outside of Krakow, with David and I wandering and exploring Krakow, me explaining to him what happened and my re-visiting it all. Thank you David, your patience and kindness a great help. I preferred to use these pictures of Krakow with David, whose company I miss, as the other Round Table chaps. I don’t want to post the pictures from the first trip.
Even in 2009, two years after what happened, I can see from the photos I was not right and painting a smile. I am able to remember this now; that I was not well.
Little did I know in 2007 how things would turn out. In the first part of the year I’d had an absolutely magical time backpacking with The Pigs in Tunisia - https://flic.kr/s/aHsiN7bZi2 - and it had been a complete discovery.
But little did I know that by summer I had become ill with clinical depression brought on by undiagnosed OCD driven by work pressure from Yahoo! UK & Ireland. I reached a frightening point where I literally could not sleep for days at a time, a clinical component of depression. Lost as to what was happening, with an inconsolable sadness, fatigue, and sleep deprivation I was not functioning and using drink heavily to cope and not aware of how dangerous this was.
By summer I was struggling and really noticed how bad I was on a Choir trip to Bad Bergzabern, near Karlsruher in Germany. I was singing with my old school music Teacher’s Macclesfield Community Choir on their town exchange with this beautiful and friendly German town. Sue Grundy who’s son Stephen I was in school with noticed I was not well, and think this because she’d suffered depression herself. I was functioning, but dog tired, and mentally worn out with the OCD.
After the trip I had a short spell back in Macclesfield before a trip to both Krakow and the ski resort of Zakopane. This is where it fell apart. Of my own accord but very much due to the behaviour crucially of John Paul Edwards; back then a thoroughly awful person.
August time of 2007 or thereabout saw me on a pre-arranged holiday in Krakow with Justin Fenny who I had known from University days (I was 36 at this point) and his friend John Edwards (who I knew through Justin, or thought I knew) and Edwin (who I knew much less, friends with Justin and John Paul Edwards, and more an acquaintance to me.)
Heading first to Durham on the train to stay over with John Paul Edwards or JP, was a bad idea. I should have sought medical attention and not gone, but read about that below. I got to JP’s and was not in a good way, my mind trapped in OCD, yet to be discovered.
In Krakow it was awful and I could not cope, could not sleep, was sleep deprived. I was isolating, withdrawn, in my own thoughts, acting oddly. I understand it was hard for the guys, but how JP and Justin behaved haunts me to this day. One night I was especially not well and decided to stay out drinking in the Jewish Quarter of Krakow. It was a very bad decision in hindsight. I had strong vodka with a cafe owner and then decided to get back to the accomodation. I could not think and was lost and very frightened, and at one point knocked to the ground by some youths but luckily not mugged or assaulted. I did make my way back to the hotel room, and quite wrongly with broken thinking verbally laid into Justin as I felt he’d let me down and was not there. It was wrong and hurt Justin very much, and I get that.
However both Justin, JP’s behaviour especially was appalling. I was ill, and I get my behaviour and depression was hard to fathom, yet they abandoned and ostracised me in a foreign city when I was very ill and poorly, in fact broken and at risk. Thank God a good friend in the form of Leslie Denton was available on the mobile to keep me calm via repeated calls. I somehow managed to get back to the hotel for a shared taxi to the airport. The atmosphere stank. Out of all of this was sickening, nasty behaviour from JP showing no care at all. He was even cruel enough to make me sit elsewhere on the plane back. We landed in Newcastle and my elderly father was forced to drive all the way to airport to collect me, Justin having refused to have me stay over. The arrogance and patronising behaviour shown to my father shocking.
Friends look after each other
What I now learn from this horrible event was these were not friends, not human at all. They could see a human being in distress, not even a stranger to them, and yet did nothing but be cruel in words and action, and took no action to check on my well being. Or even bothered to do anything. Conceited to the absolute core, and this hurt so much and spiralled me wandering the streets alone in fear on that last day.
The last I heard was JP was still at the Geography Department of Durham University working as administrative staff with undergraduates. I can safely say this person must be one of the most uncaring, venomous individuals I have ever met. But that was back then, and people change and people make mistakes. But if not? Then keep a wide berth. I probably sound vengeful but I am not - too much has passed without and within me. I simply tell the facts.
Justin, an old dear friend from first year at university, was willing to sacrifice 18 years of knowing each other. But as I have learnt, there are many wolves in sheep’s clothing. I think Justin one of these. A true friend would have not behaved this way. My other university friends did not and supported me. I hope you are getting all you want out of life Justin, but I ask at what cost? Are you still single, away on ships, buying nice cars with your oil/gas industry money? I suspect you are. Maybe look in the mirror one day.
Bad Bergzabern
A beautiful town if you can get there and not too hard to find, with its own natural hot water spa. The first time there with the choir in retrospect was not pleasant and I struggled. The second time was better but I was still not well. I’d originally visited in 2007, and made it back to see the choir perform in 2010 when on a trip to Stuttgart with Gavin Bose. That was a special day with Gavin and I still remember it now after these years.
Dr D. Morris of Park Green Surgery, Macclesfield (and incredulously an ex-Round Tabler)
Back in 2007 when I started to become very poorly I did engage with my Doctor’s surgery. I respect Doctors and all they have to deal with, and they are not perfect. How can they be? They are only human, however I do feel this worthy of a mention.
I think Dr David Morris of Park Green Surgery can be summed up as follows. I was that ill in 2007 I attempted to hang myself. On seeing Dr Morris and explaining this, his response was to say it can be lonely in the early hours, and that was it. A dire grasp of mental illness and its treatment from a GP, and this was also commented on scathingly as no surprise from the local MIND branch. I honestly think with the proper help at GP level I could have avoided all that was to happen in 2007, and which ultimately led to three months off work from Yahoo! UK & Ireland. You see, I’d seen my Doctor prior to the Bad Bergzabern trip. Way before all really deteriorated.
I mention Round Table as Dr Morris was an ex-Chairman and on mentioning all to my Round Tabler friends was greeted with some less than diplomatic comments.
Anyway it is in the past, history, gone, ephemeral. These people are no longer a part of me, and thank God.
3 First Aid Courses in a Row
I recently had the opportunity to attend and pass what I now realise are important first aid courses created by the wonderful Millie’s Trust. Now I don’t propose to talk about Millie’s Trust here and see my separate post. I more wanted to talk as to the importance of first aid courses.
One of the handy course booklets.
The last time I did a first aid course was when I was in my teens as a Venture Scout at a church in Wilmslow?!?!? Bearing in mind I am 53 years old in September that was, well, a while back. And back then cassettes were still in use, as were cassette Walkmans. For younger people, use Wikipedia for a definition.
The interesting thing is that I did remember a lot, well the basics from the first aid course that stuck with me over the years, though a lot was forgotten; though with the power of the Web you are now able to look up first aid or specifics such as bandaging.
Point is, I cannot emphasise how interesting I found the first aid courses, what I learnt, of how (God forbid) useful they will be for me. It is June now and over this month and May I completed three courses, acquiring the relevant qualifications.
First was the Mental Health First Aid course and an absolute must for the volunteering work I do at ANEW, CGL, and OCD Action.
Second was the Paediatric First Aid course, and whilst I do not have kids, I found this so important as a lot of principles apply across all age groups and meant that when completing my last course was able to both cement and build upon first aid knowledge.
Third and last was Emergency First Aid. Very useful indeed for life in general including work.
For me all of this is so important with my being an outdoor type who can easily come to mischief or see others doing the same when fell running, cycling, or outdoor swimming. And qualifications are valid for 3 years, but ultimately your learning goes beyond that. It is so, so important to have this knowledge as it does save lives and can also protect yourself when involved in extreme sports. Do, do look up why Millie’s Trust came about, what it does, and why you should look at its courses.
Here are a couple of videos from the Emergency First Aid course delivered by one of the founders of Millie’s Trust, Dan Thompson.
NOTES:
For younger readers, this is a cassette and this is a Walkman.
Loyalty: noun 1. the quality of being loyal.
The whole point of loyalty was not to change: stick with those who stuck with you
When I set up the Overture office back in 2003 in Manchester I got to know Doctor Net, to become Doc Net, and now Venditan; and John Coyne and Chris Maule.
In years past since then it has been quite sad that both John and Chris no longer countenance contact with me. Well in fact, Chris has not returned messages. John sporadic.
I am saddened after the years and what I brought to them.
On setting up the Overture office in Manchester (before Yahoo! acquisition) I needed office space and rented a room from them in Pleer House attached to the Corn Exchange in Manchester. Income was generated for them. At the time Overture ran a reseller programme. Very simply a digital agency could become a re-seller and in introducing clients to the Overture model was rewarded with commission. You had to genuinely sell to a new client and apend a unique code as reseller. It was good money if you resold well. But it could be abused. The programme was run by Daniel Mohacek. I had no involvement directly.
A sales lady called Nikki was employed and managed by John and Chris. Unbeknown to me Nikki contacted existing advertisers en mass and attached the code, so ensuring Doc Net as it was were paid a lot, a lot of commission.
As you can imagine the commission hit the roof and questions were asked. The sh*t hit the fan.
I was summoned by management to London and questioned over this with the suspicion I was involved and was possibly on the take. After a strong and unpleasant rearguard action on my part I was absolved. But I was told in no uncertain terms to vacate the space I rented from Doc Net (Venditan.) There was still suspicion after this from London.
Learnings
Chris has made his money and good for him. No contact I think needs no answer, but I came close to almost losing my job over what happened.
John, now MD of Venditan served his time and worked well with Chris. He’s done well. He was in charge of Nikki.
The good people in business will always be there no matter what. But business like politics is a fickle thing, especially if you are also struggling with addiction, and if of no further use to some business people, then you are a persona non grata to them. Despite past loyalty. And that is how it feels. I’ve not mentioned morality and one can argue that what is past has no bearing on the now. Which I understand. How can one dine on the past when the current course being served is the present?
But I’m old fashioned and value loyalty, politeness etc. Sadly some others don’t…
Lack of loyalty is one of the major causes of failure in every walk of life
You find out who your real friends are when you’re involved in a scandal
Loyalty
noun
the quality of being loyal.
Over 10 years after I Spy Search Marketing - A tale of the Emperor's New Clothes
I think back to 2008 and I Spy Marketing. Quite a while back, yet necessary to understand where I am now.
The CEO surrounded by his Sycophants
I have been reminiscing as of late and mulled over the time of 2008 to 2010 with this search advertising agency start up. Prior to I Spy Search Marketing I was with Yahoo! UK & Ireland. In 2007 I had been off with clinical depression and it was then that my OCD was diagnosed.
I was not in a great place career wise. I had opened up a Manchester office for Overture (Goto.com) the business that invented to Pay Per Click model that was to subsequently power Google and others ad revenue models. Overture was bought by Yahoo! and I moved over. Having set all up from scratch, then being ill, I returned to the London office to discover my having to start afresh four years of hard graft. Why?
I came back after illness in 2007 having worked so hard to set up, what was to become an established presence for Yahoo! UK and Ireland in Manchester. On heading to the London office I discovered things had changed. I had a very unfortunate meeting with Warren Burke, then a Director at Yahoo! on the Display side. It became apparent that I was to shift from the Search side to Display - I was in a commercial/sales role. The same was to apply to ex-Overture staff who like me had rebranded to Yahoo! Search Marketing. The Display staff wanted ownership of all. So, Warren Burke threw all I had achieved outside of London out of the window making no recognition of work done, and in a one to one revealed himself to be one of the most vacuous, self-fulfilling, morally bankrupt individuals I ever met in Yahoo! I have heard nothing but badness as to this fellow and his treatment of co-workers. He has sadly survived at Yahoo!.
So what exactly happened? Steve Beckwith on the Display side and one of Warren’s lower Lieutenants had used the setting up of the Manchester office to get back up North where he hails from. In a previous life Steve had worked for me at Carlton TV.
Steve Beckwith was positioned to take on the Yahoo! Manchester office with my having to work for him. Very simply Warren Burke and a chap called Phil Macaulley (Steve’s direct boss) engineered a Manchester fait accompli.
Steve Beckwith at the time proved to be one of the most petulant, un-professional individuals I had to work with, managing to annoy a wide variety of people in the Manchester business which I suspect led to the eventual demise of the office.
As mentioned and very much involved was the appalling Phil Macauley who as Steve’s line manager sanctioned all, possessing absolutely no people skills or empathy; well he certainly did not then.
Basically it was the Yahoo! lot looking after themselves and fucking over the Overture lot. In hindsight I laugh at the Yahoo! staff who for the most part were cerebrally challenged, made mistakes galore and ruined a lot of business, Overture and Flickr included.
Anyway by 2008 I’d had enough of Yahoo! and by this point was contacted by Nick Jones to join a search start up advertising business - I Spy Search Marketing. I’d worked with Nick in Yahoo! who left to join this start up created by Chris Whitelaw.
It was an up and coming agency in the search field. Eventually to be bought by Dentsu. At the start all was good, albeit bumpy to say the least with any digital start up.
In such businesses there are personalities and I was one. Heady, proactive, reactive and the rest. So a lot can be forgiven and not-forgiven.
Suffice to say I opened the Manchester office successfully, hired staff and brought clients in. With the title of General Manager I did all I was asked of and tasked with.
Roll forward to when Jim Brigden joins. He became CEO, effectively taking charge over and above Nick Jones and Chris Whitelaw. And that is when things started to go wrong. For me certainly and now after a few years have passed I now realise for a lot of people.
In a Nutshell
The Manchester office in my opinion was successful. Where it went wrong I now realise were unrealistic targets set by Jim Bridgen, bad decision making, and poor delivery. There was a ridiculous revenue target set for new business for the Manchester office that only resulted in friction between Daryl Warner (who headed up sales) and myself, whilst Manchester had to manage sizeable clients like the Co-operative, and received dire service across SEO and other from London.
During my tenure Scotland gained a footprint in the form of John Brodie. See footnote.
Jim’s sole aim was to drive the business hard; which was detrimental to staff and package it up for sale. A sale that benefited approximately 6 people. Repeating previous business activity from following Nick Hynes career.
There were poor decisions and shoddy treatment. For example, Manchester made connection with Fragrance Direct, a leading online fragrance seller. Numbers crunched out of London and managed by Jim as to predicted results had to be submitted at least three times. We did not obtain the business with it going to McCann Manchester. This to the consternation of myself, James Smith, and my client contact Jenny Sullivan (McKenna). We then lost due to poor and re-submitted forecasting Talk Talk Business much to Manchester’s embarrassment and the client contact, Ade Allenby.
In the God awful period of professionally tidying up and handing over and still working I’d got us into pitch for Daisy Telecommunications with an old contact called Jo Green. I watched as Jim presented, me no longer needed, sat there a persona non grata wanting to say something. Jo late summed up Jim’s presentation and pitch: lacklustre and poor. Where she asked was the digital heavy hitter? As I write years later I think of the children’s story of the Emperor’s New Clothes.
James Smith was the first employee, rough around the edges but technically brilliant, and after training excelled, and now after a few years leads SEO at Dentsu. His girlfriend at the time was in Manchester with him but hailed from London and returned for studying. James followed. It was irrelevant his moving from the Manchester to London office as he was providing the same technical service. At the time of a yearly bonus Jim Brigden decided to withhold bonus from James he was clearly entitled to, arguing that he had only moved down to exploit the London office where he could then move on to a new role. I to my utter shame as his previous line manager and who hired him said nothing in cowardly fashion. This summed up Jim’s paranoia and morally questionable decisions.
Dentsu ultimately bought a poor business in the heady height of purchasing with key people benefiting and the staff not, but I had seen this before with Overture. Monetary promises on sale not delivered upon. Dentsu wanted the clients that I Spy had. The business as such?
People were afraid of Jim as he would oft quote what he had achieved and done. And demonstrate temper. Now with some years under my belt I am shocked as what went on in I Spy Search Marketing. For example people were defended on grounds of friendship. Nick Jone’s erratic and substance fuelled behaviour was not dealt with immediately by Jim or Chris Whitelaw, and I have found anecdotally this caused much distress to people.
By now Manchester struggled under crazy sales targets (myself) whilst expected to run the office and maintain clients. Any cross-selling I did (lots with the co-operative) was discounted. My clients, such as Kara Lucas et al. were horrified. I crumbled and unfairly received the blame for a poorly run London centric offering that kept dropping the ball at service provision; for example due to poor SEO/SMO servicing from London Manchester lost Envirofone and led me to have a very painful conversation with Julie Snape, the client, who I keep in touch with.
It all came to a head with Jim screaming at me down the phone during a regular conference call that we had, with other people listening in. Un-professional and not so much as an apology to date. All over a suggestion I made. I was now being blamed for all and sundry and as far as Jim was concerned my cards were marked.
A meeting was arranged in Leeds at the Queens Hotel at the train station with Jim coming up from London. At the time, I asked Chris Speed, director heading up performance marketing and minor shareholder, what this was about? He lied through his teeth and I later learnt Jim had convened a meeting to get rid of me. Chris Speed I realised was spineless doing as told.
So, Jim comes up to convene the most unprofessional, disorganised HR meeting. Was I fired, was I not, what were the grounds? No warning, no nothing from the company. He mentioned Compromise Agreement and clearly did not have a clue. By now I was worn out and stressed and had certainly had enough. I was happy to go. Jim came back to me saying I’d leave at the end of 2010 and be paid October, November, December of that year and did not need to work. In hindsight part of me wishes I’d gone to a Tribunal for Constructive Dismissal and shown him for what he is. I did not and that’s history.
But it was not over for staff. For example David Tutin had wages withdrawn on leaving on the spurious basis he was holding onto a company laptop. Absolutely awful behaviour to staff who worked so hard.
Learnings?
I learnt from Jim how not to manage people, and to instead treat them as human beings, be humble not arrogant, see the best in people, and not to throw people under a bus when things go wrong. Look after people with love and care, after all people make what is the advertising industry. And constantly dining out on past glories is no more (in Northern parlance) than polishing a turd.
I am so so so glad I am none of those shareholder/Directors - Chris Whitelaw, Chris Speed, Nick Jones, Jim Bridgen. I can sleep at night knowing I’m a good person and tried my best. I’ve never really really screwed anyone over despite being in the advertising trade and having worked in London. I did bad stuff. I admit that. But I never ruined people all in the cause of personal arrogance and financial gain.
Could I have done better?
Yes and yes and yes. I was still young, head up my bottom, full of personal defects and certainly should have stood my ground toward Jim, and others. I kept quiet, turned a blind eye, and was cowardly. I have to live with that. I still do. I could have done a better job as General Manager Manchester and made many mistakes.
The ultimate sale of I Spy Search Marketing
People taking risk and working hard deserve reward. People all over the show, bullying, paranoid, off their tits on substances, being cruel, taking the money from a business sale and not properly rewarding hard working naive staff should not.
Footnote
John Brodie: I tried to hold my head high at the end and maintained a professional approach. I organised a speaking event in Manchester, when anyone else would have stuck two fingers up. After the successful event we had dinner in the Malmaison Manchester. John was incredibly rude in a traumatic time for me. My path crossed with John on LinkedIn last year and I raised this with him. He apologised and then blocked me on LinkedIn. I am fine about it all. Looking back I see someone so, so desperate to not have anything so much as affect his personal brand.
Alastair Candale: At the speaking event as we packed up, I aired how management had behaved. Alastair, and Kate the office manager was there, kindly passed this back to Nick Jones in a disjoined fashion leading to more poor behaviour and threats coming my way.
I'm a knob, but I am her knob.
I love this card that I got for our wedding anniversary in May. It sums me up, and it sums up Claire and my relationship. I am a knob, but a real nice knob, and my Claire knows that. She has stuck to me like glue. We first met in May 2014 (and Ted the Terrier) and it has been a journey of absolute love, almost derailed by myself, and both of us very much hurt by people we thought friends. Claire still hurts now, as I do. And this piece of prose is both release and condemnation.
Wind the clock forward and Claire and I were out running to the summit of Speinne Mor next to Loch Frisha on Mull, about 4 miles from Tobermory. I had been up for a few days to celebrate her birthday. I currently type on Thursday 6th June as I head back on the Oban to Glasgow train. I now proof read on the Glasgow to Manchester train.
Back to the fell running, which was absolutely wonderful with a brisk wind, clear views, and impending storm clouds; very atmospheric. And for me coupled with the excitement of exploring new landscape. There was a sense of freedom about it, and a sense of freedom from people who I have hurt deeply, and who Claire and I suffered from deeply.
Learnt a lot from it mind you, and here are some thoughts. Thoughts that may help someone with recovery, or for that matter someone dealing with grief as regards people. (In my case a collection of self-centred, opinionated, judgemental people who live in Saddleworth, thereabouts.) No spite or malice aforethought on my part, just my views. And this does not in any way excuse my awful and bat shit crazy hurtful horrid behaviour when in the depths of drink and pain.
So, back in May 2023 I picked up finally (but one can only keep it in the day) and this set off a final and fatal chain of events that led to my finally surrendering and listening to people and engaging with the wonderful ANEW. The charity battered and loved me at the same time. It helped me look at me and deal with me and the trauma I carried from childhood; and I suspect that all of us in someway carry trauma.
Anyway, let’s not get too heavy. This is what I learnt.
2001 - 2024
So I get back in 2021 from Linwood House after a horrific 2021 where my addiction to alcohol caused mayhem. And I mean mayhem. Those who are there, have been there will understand when Mr Hyde really comes out, and Dr Jekyll disappears. (See Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.)
In my case Mr Hyde came out in a series of bizarre and insane behaviours. I attacked Claire and others on WhatsApp, Facebook, verbally, and it upset and hurt people. I regret it and have (though in a ham fisted way) tried to make amends. There is not a day that goes by where I don’t feel guilt. This is what we do unfortunately, and be aware if you have done this it is not good but it is okay. You have to realise you are poorly and in addiction and in a lot of mental pain. Yet, you must take ownership of and really accept what you have done. And it’s painful, it really is to face up to poor behaviour, sit in it, yes sit in it and feel shitty, with no option to use or escape. That is the start of what we call keeping your side of the street clean and it helps us realise who we are, what we can be capable of, and of how we can change for the better as human beings. I wish all people would take this approach, as it would make for a better world, whether addict or not.
Quick Addiction Overview
I had a “interesting childhood” with two alcoholic parents running a pub in Macclesfield that scarred me for a variety of reasons and probably helped my being estranged from my younger brother, though sadly that’s his choice. I have also suffered all my life from Pure “O” OCD, plagued with intrusive thoughts ad nauseum. I was diagnosed in adulthood, aged 36. I am 53 in September. So quite a bit of baggage there. The OCD has been a gift and burden, for example helping with a Law Degree across to business. But overall, and with the trauma, I drank and drank to escape mind and memory - quite normal self-medication I have learnt. It is all I knew and what I saw and learnt from (I now realise) two struggling parents. I ran away to University, to London, throwing myself into studies and career. Success hit me, in a way. But I inevitably knew it would catch up, and it did. That’s all a different story suffice to say self-medication inevitably led to dependency and addiction, as I struggled to live. I make no excuse here by the way. I ultimately chose to pick drink up. All of us have choices to deal with what life, baggage we have, and I chose badly as some of us do. Drowning all, and losing a drowning self in drink. No excuse and I don’t ask for sympathy. I am guilty of utter carnage, hurt and hate.
What I want to talk about in this post is how you will be treated by some people. Based on my experience. And I use examples. This is to (I have to admit) let go of resentment, maybe pass on experience, and call out some people who maybe need a kick up the arse over their behaviour and how it impacts others. Anyway, I’ll probably get in shit for this, but who cares. I certainly don’t (well I do actually) after what has happened. In being facetious I merely drive home a point that being honest with yourself and others is better than bottling it up. And you can apologise if wrong. Caveat - that does not give you a right to be rude or a twat and then apologise. Do good always. But accept mistakes.
So what did I learn about Peeps and addiction?
People will be angry, frustrated, concerned, worried; a whole host of emotions. This is normal as you have been absolutely bat shit crazy.
It is normal to doubt yourself. You will recover and discover you are a good person and have a lot to offer from the experience you have been through. All of us are flawed and don’t forget that. This includes people who disown you, throw you to the dogs.
It is normal for people to then fall into two categories. Those who stick by you, know who you really are, come to your aid, and even better give you “what for” with honesty as to your antics. Then there are those who you thought friends, but in fact only care (less politely, only give a shit) about number one. Dealing with addiction and your awful behaviour for them is just too much, and they are not real friends; not seeing the true you, gossiping, judging, tittle tattle, character assassination. This is what you have to sadly face. I explain more in the next point.
Why do they do this? Well, as far as I can tell all people are flawed and some people can’t and won’t look within and see their behaviours, their nastiness, and how they affect others. You see most people are not in recovery, are inward looking, and judge addiction as the person being intrinsically nasty in themselves, and don’t realise this is not the case (I don’t think people as a whole are nasty) and it’s really the case the person is ill and what we see are poorly behaviours. They mistake person with behaviour. And if you talk to any addict properly you’ll find they are decent people trying to survive in a shit storm - again this does not condone or justify poor behaviour. But you will learn there is more to it than this. I learnt I had “friends” who were in fact people who make themselves feel better by acting in a clique that suits them, judge people in addiction (and not) as being bad people, spread rumours and gossip. Here was something beyond a lack of understanding. It is so sad and really hurts people. These people act outward and not inward, insecure, judgemental, because they can’t look at their own behaviours, sadness, trauma etc. Instead “bullying” others to justify their action and who they are. And they are bullies.
I am harsh, but I need to be. These people exist. In recovery or life you need to know about them. I am a knob, always have been. But I am a kind hearted knob. And these people caused me to lose that and doubt myself. How brutal, how awful. And if you are reading this, be proud of being a knob, and admitting that and being vulnerable. As this makes you human, with comprehension of the mistakes people make.
They caused my recovery to dive and dive badly. But I won’t detail. Basically I was ostracised by these people, who we had around for Christmas dinner, had been on holiday with, who helped force me out of the Saddleworth Runners Club, caused more poor behaviour on my part, and damaged Claire. And these are friends?
Well they are ex-friends. They jettisoned me, and I feel rich for this, rich. I no longer sit trapped in their clique where people are bullied, feelings hurt, gossip occurs, and the rest. I feel like I dodged a bullet.
Is there hope? Is there action?
Yes indeed. When you are bounced out of friendships, it is meant to happen. Universe and all that. You have to understand that true humanity is being there for someone, no matter what. If that does not happen then that’s okay, and that it is natural to question yourself. As an addict and in a vulnerable position, people can be very cruel. But in common parlance, “fuck em.” I mean why waste what time we have on people who don’t really care about others.
It is apt that I listen to Pink Floyd’s The Dark side of the Moon and specifically Brain Damage.
We all make mistakes and it is how we learn from these mistakes, apply the learning, and pass our knowledge and love to others to help them that’s important.
Some people never get that life can be about helping other people climb out of a mess they are in.
Focus on you and know all people deep within are inherently good. Let the naysayers judge you, as you ain’t going to change them, and as a worldly sage once said, “opinions as like arseholes, everyone has one.”
Attach yourself to people who care and can see the good in people beyond their behaviours, or may have a similar story to you, and get how you tick. They are real, authentic people.
Almost Operatic this thing called life, and Dramatis Personae
Life can be a chore, shit, exciting, a lot of things in fact. But you have control not over people, oh no, but you can control you. And in my case I make light fun of those I encountered when I was ill with addiction in recent years. (And I make no excuses for my behaviour.)
When I moved to Saddleworth (well Mossley) in 2014 I joined the Saddleworth Runners Club, the local fell running club, and became heavily involved, making friends, making friends of Claire’s friends. I even sat on the committee of this club, which became our social life. All was good until I ruined it with addiction and pissing people off. That said…
These “actors” or what I thought were new found friends within this drama blocked me on social media, including Strava, dumped me like a brick, and have the sheer bloody cheek to (behind scenes) keep in touch with Claire after behaving like a pack of wolves. Maybe I did deserve it due to rants, but really? I suppose one could say they acted as they thought right? I agree. But it is a good while after the fact if we look back to 2022 when people were last affected.
But I split hairs. I affected people and they reacted/protected themselves. So I do understand, don’t hold grudges, forgive. I do. I take full responsibility for how I acted.
I do though have a right to call out poor behaviour.
Jennifer Ulwin-Bishop. My mind bends at how this person can be so critical, gossip, and hold court on a Tuesday night in the pub after Saddleworth Runners club training, and elsewhere. And elsewhere is anyway where she will be listened to. It’s paradoxical when she can be (wants to, chooses to?) the kindest person known to humanity. Gossip, gossip, gossip. The damage caused to Claire and I was paramount to torture. Someone I wish would look in the mirror and look at her own life before judging others over and above her own shit and appalling behaviour. I find it astounding the Saddleworth Runners Club allow and tolerate this. But of course she sits on the Committee and organises the ever so important socials. Fuck me, let’s get our priorities right over and above people’s wellbeing. And it was Jen I suspect was the ringleader that led to my being bounced out/made unwelcome at the club. She has single handedly been a source of malicious comments countless times, at others expense. I’ve seen it. And a number of people accept and turn a blind eye to this, and sadly participate. All morally bankrupt.
(Anecdotally I know of at least one woman runner who feels left out of the Club through the cabal of women of which Jen is a part, in the Saddleworth Runners Club.)
Colin Bishop. Not even sure where to start and probably as troubled as myself. Colin, I cannot thank you enough for the help and care you gave initially (and Jen), but must condemn you on your absolutely cruel behaviour following that and this includes avoiding me, riding off on your bike and being a complete arse and coward. I suspect you are someone who runs away from life, which is okay, but is that humanity? I suspect Colin is a very judgemental person utilising morality and gossip to justify what is clearly a person who is inwardly shameful of himself, and in throwing people under a bus (pun) sits back with all okay in his life as his action in his eyes is justified. A very poorly person spiritually. Someone who can ride away on a bike from what he won’t face. He is the face of cowardice, of true loss of self. I genuinely pity him.
Ruth Hutchison and Stuart Hutchison disappointed me so so much. How can a couple who appear to be the bastion of Greenfield and Saddleworth niceness be so vacuous, un-empathetic, and judgemental. Ruth, I do change the “dynamic” and always have done, and will continue to do so. Hiding behind niceness you both ran a mile when the shit the fan. And I am glad not to have you in my life anymore. I suspect you both would not piss on someone if they were on fire if it did not suit your middle class needs, or God forbit interfere with you lives. Principles? Pah!
I must admit that I PMSL at Stuart even going to the length of unfollowing me on Strava. I’ll put it up there with all the people who bummed me off on Facebook, but that’s no great loss.
Life has taught me that those desperate and keen to preserve their appearance can be the worse. Judgemental and living a lie as to how they really behave in life; the veneer they put on themselves belies how they actually act underneath. So for example Ruth and Stu work at the GMC in business roles, where I am sure they do good in this world. In real terms I’d prefer to say more akin to polishing a turd.
And lastly, I think back in retrospect of picking up a collapsed Julie O’Regan on the Pennine Way during her White Rose Ultra a few years back? On bumping into her on a train last year, asking kindly as to the loss of her mother, I was rewarded with idle gossip as to this with Jen Ulwin-Bishop and probably others. And when challenged at a Mossley Scout Hall made no apologies and disappeared. All of this from clearly a heartless, shallow person.
It take as lot to completely block people off social media these days, not call, not visit, not check. But I call you people out. I can see right through you.
"Cry 'Havoc!', and let slip the dogs of war."
Saddleworth Runners
With the Saddleworth Runners, I write about a Club that has changed and sadly for the worse in my opinion, and from personal experience, especially with the current committee. It is a Club that is more concerned with “brand” and whether your face fits, than individual well being.
Claire and I have now left this Club with mixed memories and the conclusion I have is we ultimately dodged a bullet with some of the people and the mentality of the Club. I am sure I will be advised otherwise by the resident HR Executive/runner that there are two sides to a story, which I agree with, but hopefully in a less patronising manner than in Sweet Vintage in Mossley.
Sorry, you are not a friendly group, far from it. You welcome people if they fit the profile of who you can socialise with. On the running front, poor (or shit as is put) runners are discarded and excluded.
Like-minded people is correct. A group that can as easily turn on people as well as welcome them. And gossip ad nauseum. I have witnessed it and been the subject.
I was disappointed, but can’t be arsed any more? At the absolute shambolic handling of my being ill by both James Sheard and Richard Gee. Back in November 2021 they really affected my return to recovery by saying best if you keep away from the Club, which triggered me and set me back. Thanks so much Chaps. You have no idea how much damage was done. And so much for a caring club. All of this based on people or I suspect one person bad mouthing myself with tittle tattle. As with any organisation, including a non for profit its ethos flows from the top down. This said I do have respect for Richard for coming to the family home. And whilst I did not crown myself in glory, it sadly all smacked of not wanting to damage the brand, and pandering to judgemental people/person; after all the Club is more important than any one person and their well being.
But both of you judged and in judging without ascertaining full facts, only instead listening to one side have shown yourselves to be weak, shoddy, sloppy; yet sit at the top of the pile with Saddleworth Runners. I would have expected more. I pensively think of how Richard Gee works in a charity (public face) yet Saddleworth Runners conduct (private face) was at odds. And this applies sadly to James, who I think was not as kind hearted or as nice as he positions himself with two public faces of Club and business. But we are all flawed and I get that. Being flawed does not make you a bad actor in the play that is life. But I’m an advertising man by trade and see through form to the substance.
This all reminds me of the old story of The Emperor’s New Clothes. These people are naked in real life to the boy who shouts them out; exposed, now stripped of what they think they wear as clothing - honesty, humanity, help, hope, humility; concerned more with appearance than true belief, emotion, spirituality, all underpinned by action. There is form but certainly no substance.
All this led to a near enough mental breakdown in November 2021 and I turned up on Jen Ulwin-Bishop and Colin Bishop’s doorstep angry and drunk having put two and two together as to words said. Poor, poor behaviour. I then lambasted Jen at Sue Heywood’s birthday. Poor poor. But afterwards Sue was fine and did not judge. In both cases Jen disappeared (I understand) but no apology given. I was the convicted criminal. She later admitted to Claire it was the last time she’d say anything. I await hell freezing over. My behaviour was unacceptable. But I now realise understandable. The Club had been so much a part of our lives and accusations made from nameless people. Richard Gee refusing to divulge. Okay to name me but not others. I felt like Joseph K in Kafka’s The Trial. The strain was palpable on Claire. I unravelled in bizarre drunk fuelled behaviour as I tried to cope. Ranting in Sweet Vintage in front of Tina Hawley, Tanya Haynes, Sharon Lever. And putting Sharon in an intolerable position more than once. Awful stuff and not the full detail of what went on, but it paints a picture. All of this was and is my choice, no one else’s. I take ownership. But do any of you realise what happened? I think not. Chosen ignorance and silence is akin to action. Baseless action.
Now I have my marbles back, I think on the following.
On being asked to not attend the Club but Richard Gee and James Sheard, my private life (which had not brought the Club into disrepute) was brought into the Club (and Claire’s.) A clear breach of privacy and a conflict of interest.
James Sheard sent an e-mail around the Committee, nothing discussed with myself or Claire; completely impinging our privacy to strangers not abreast of what was going on.
There was no explanation as to the justification for this, nor any Club rules broken by myself. In fact there was are no rules for members on joining the Club, nor on a contractual basis.
The action taken by James Sheard and Richard Gee was taken on their own volition based on the words of Jen Ulwin-Bishop and possibly others.
Point 4 is irrelevant. The key point is the action taken with no sound legal basis.
In November 2021 I renewed my membership fees. Tina Hawley (Treasurer) informed Claire my wife outside of my knowledge of this. What of GDPR, Confidentiality?
I’m half tempted to go to a lawyer, report to the ICO, FRA. Can I be arsed? Still thinking about it.
Creating long lasting friendships? Nice prose. Complete crock of shit. If your face fits, you are okay. If you fuck up you are dropped and excluded like a bomb. Inclusive? My arse. Where for example as all the ethnic minorities in the Saddleworth Runners?
With all the above, there are however a number of decent, lovely, caring people who are a pleasure to run and socialise with and should not be tarred by a cabal of women (mostly) that pull the club into disrepute and were shitty to me, and by proxy Claire.
I repeatedly tried to make amends but admit I would then go off the rails and so so hard for people, in fact all of what I have written could be utter bollocks and unjustifiable.
Des Thorpe, an old contact once said of the Club; it is only a running club. And thank fuck I can see that now.
Conclusion
So I bring my words to an end and sum up with what I have learnt.
Be aware you are a good person. There are no bad people in this world really; it just may be hard to see. It has been said there is a little good in the worse of us, and a little bad in the best of us. We are all flawed.
In fucking up as an addict or otherwise you are so well placed to see the flaws in people and not judge them off hand, merely correct if you can their behaviour.
And remember you only have control over yourself and no one else. You can change your behaviours but cannot change others. You can live a full life helping people, passing on what you’ve learnt, help people up and out of a pit, and not walk away. That is real courage and humanity. Cowardice (cf Colin Bishop) is proverbially getting on a bike and cycling away. Please don’t live by others standards. Live you own.
We can all help each other even when we fuck up.
Who do you choose to be?
Consternation and equanimity
I don’t confess to all the answers over what has happened and don’t intend to seek them. Nor do I stand on a pedestal immune from criticism. I repeatedly relapsed, ranted, sent apologies and some in the form of cards. If they fell on deaf ears I understand. I do. Repeatedly behaving poorly tries anyone’s patience and I know I did. So sorry if I offend or am wrong.
Could and should I have done better?
Yes and yes.
Lily Allen, finishing, and to the Naysayers
And finally for the Naysayers out there who hurt myself and Claire, with special mention to Jen Ulwin-Bishop here’s one from Lily Allen at her best.
Addendum
It is Claire’s birthday this week, hence being in Tobermory. I am no longer a fan of Facebook (especially after my antics) but could not help but notice lovely birthday wishes on Claire’s timeline.
What does bloody well stick in my craw is people wishing happy birthday who were not there, did not get involved, did naff all when all was in free fall, and like Paula Vennells of Post Office fame must live in bleedin’ la la land; mixing with the individuals who caused such mischief, happy as Larry in their lives as though sod all happened. Old phrase: if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, then it’s a duck. And by the same token if it is a two faced twat, then it’s a two faced twat. Can’t speak for Claire but certain people can shove their happy birthday sentiments right where the sun certainly does not shine. They are about as sincere as a Tory Politician, and that says volumes!
Getting there…. But where is getting there?
Getting there was a trot on Thursday to Wild Bank above Stalybridge. The start of getting fit and getting prepared for the Saunders Mountain Marathon in July.
It was a good run. I tried new paths, had a couple of nice phone calls, bumped into a friend called Lee on the canal towpath, and spent time musing. And this musing was good, good for me anyway. More on that to come.
Wild Bank is an oft run hill (Pike in local parlance) that sits above Stalybridge and acts an outpost of the wider Moors, sitting between the Manchester conurbation and Saddleworth Moorland. It is a great place for running, cycling, horse riding, and plain old walking. And for the drinky poo brigade, there are plenty of drop off points for this, Hadfield, Padfield, Glossop to name but a few.
Here’s some photos of the run to give you an idea of how easy it is to run from Dukinfield, or for that matter anywhere with access along the Ashton/Huddersfield/Peak Forest Canals into this moorland.
In terms of the route for the aficionados, here is the OS plot overlaid on a 1.25k map.
Easy does it is said in the Fellowships, such as AA. And I am doing it easy, one moment and one day at a time, and this in no way stops one from dreaming or planning for dreams; got fed up with “goals” a long time ago, finding it a corporate BS phrase and bearing no reflection on growing as a person versus growing someone else’s business and dream. I now have a pleasant feeling of fuck em’ without malice aforethought. I find as I type and found myself as I ran in a stage of calm and peacefulness. One that I have as I sit on a train up to Glasgow to change for a train to Oban, then ferry to Mull.
So musings.
I recall as I type the next bit of this missive a book I love, What I Talk About When I Talk About Running, which tells of the journey the quirky and fascinating Japanese writer Haruki Murakami has been on with his running and writing.
When I ran it was the first solo fell run or trail run I had done in a long time. A long time. My finally falling over in style from May last year with my alcohol addiction, getting into (under pressure from loving others) Vernon House run by the wonderful ANEW, has culminated in a wonderful albeit painful journey of self. The alcoholism driven by chronic “Pure” OCD and childhood trauma led to some absolute pits and awful, truly awful behaviour that hurt and worried a lot of people. As part of recovery you have to take ownership of what you do. You cannot blame the booze for example, irrespective of what occurs since it is you who chooses, it was I who chose to pick up. My chaotic behaviour, a lot hidden but seen by my poor wonderful Claire, caused great hurt and pain. I live with this each day for anyone interested. I also live with the pitiful public exhibition of what went on - lashing out at people who did not deserve it, horrid Facebook and WhatsApp posts. Across to pestering and bothering people with my drunken antics. Blah, Blah, Blah. Awful, absolutely bloody awful.
There has been a lot of pain, and I muse over this now on a train, but back to the run!
During the run and oddly when exercising there have been deep emotional pits of resentment of people who I felt abandoned me. But with this has come understanding, a peace. I shall explain.
No one really wants to be in addiction. Fact. It is an awful place where you disappear and others themselves disappear as they lose you, so losing something that is a part of their very being - we are all intertwined. All addicts use substances to hide and deal with trauma. Fact. The drinking, the drugs, whatever, is simply the output as the person struggles to come to terms with living life. And you can also see this in acceptable addictions; take exercise, shopping, work, earning money.
No one willing chooses addiction, and this is the pain for addicts when judged by others who have no clue, live in their own lives, and don’t realise how devoid of empathy they are; in washing their hands of addicts they knowingly/unknowingly cause untold shame, hurt, grief. By the way this does not mean they are bad people per se. Just poorly people in their own way.
Addicts are not bad people and I have seen this now first hand. They are people who are poorly, in the grip of substance abuse that controls them physiologically and psychologically. They are not wilful people. When they cross the line into addiction (where is the line?) they become different people. I paraphrase. All I can suggest you do is read a couple of books. Try Chasing the Scream and In the Realm of the Hungry Ghosts.
However, as part of recovery you look into yourself and take ownership, and make apology for what you have done. You strive to be a better person in life, giving as was given to you. You learn that all of us have behaviours and are flawed and you try not to judge.
My recovery was certainly set back in no uncertain terms by my behaviour. Yet we operate in a society of people who we interface with on a regular basis. There’s the rub. I was loved, cared, and picked up by people when in addiction, when acting out, when behaving awfully. But they did not judge once. They saw me beneath the pain, or saw a stranger but a human in suffering. These are too many to name, who all rose to the occasion in my suffering and the suffering I caused.
What has been happening when getting back into things is deep emotional pain and resentment at how I (and Claire) were treated by people we thought friends, and a running club we made our life. This anger has been constantly popping out, often when exercising which for the most part has been cycling, and I assume such activity brings it out. But I’d also let myself go on the physical side with my forming a mental monster of going out fell running. I made it out this week with Paul who understands that worthless thinking addicts have, and the guilt and of how people can play and utilise this. Then I made it out solo on Thursday to re-visit Wild Bank.
The anger came out, but I now find myself at peace. Let me explain.
When you fuck up as an addict it is so, so tough what with the shame and self hate. You get worse. And there are outside factors, including people, especially people. I learnt we all have two types of people. Those who love you, or see the good in people no matter what. But I want to focus on those that judge you, cause the hurt and anger and sit back gossiping and being judgemental whilst not examining their self as you do. These are the people who parade themselves as being nice but are in fact useless and run a mile from someone breaking down, and addiction is a crushing breakdown.
As said my pain and hurt came out in exercise and finally came out in these two runs, especially the solo one this week. I had time to be alone and time to finally Let Go Let God as is said in AA. Not religious God, for that does not exist in AA, but the sheer spirituality of being comfortable with self and letting go of resentment into the Universe or whatever tickles you. And for others I think it natural to go through this process when you work a programme to be a better person. I can talk about it now.
People.
When Claire and I lived in Mossley in Tameside we had, well we thought we had a wonderful life. Sadly I fell into addiction, something that was always going to happen. We had friends, people I had got to know via Claire. These people had come from and were and are part of a running club. Nice people we thought, well I did. In hindsight I am glad these relationships no longer exist with no ill will felt toward people. When the shit hit the fan and I caused chaos these people both supported Claire, ostracised me, and then went on to do their own thing. Anger has now turned to sadness and awareness. I should not call them out but want to more from sharing experience for others.
You soon realise who your friends are in a crisis. And that applies in any situation. But have a thought. And this is turning point for me. People deal differently with crisis, and when it comes to the stigma of addiction a lot run a mile and judge. It’s normal and this happened with me. Basically because they don’t understand it all and assume you are a nasty person, and don’t get me wrong you are when acting out, and they can’t (or won’t) distinguish out of character behaviour. This next bit hurts. They also choose to wash their hands and walk away. It’s easier. I get it. And they’ve been hurt.
In hindsight I am glad I don’t have such people in my life. A “true” person to me is someone who asks what’s wrong, how can I help? Let me hold you physically, mentally, spiritually. Whether to a friend or stranger. They have no ego. Yet they also pull you up on your terrible condition and behaviour; they flinch not from this. That is friendship and love.
They don’t piss off, slag you off, only concern themselves with their own lives. Is this giving? Is this care? The mind numbing hypocrisy of it all is their thinking they are humble, giving people. Living chaste lives. I suspect they focus on others as they won’t address their own behaviours. I think if they did they would be horrified at how they’ve behaved; people who hurt others to feel better and have no concept of others. They lack empathy and it’s so sad. Though we are all capable of this. I was.
Be honest, wear your heart on your sleeve. Be truthful, transparent, trusting. That is true humanity.
In addiction, recovery, or where you attempt change you will be the subject of gossip. For example one person in the group of former friends took it upon herself I suspect to gossip, which caused untold damage to my recovery. Why gossip? It makes people feel better who are not well in themselves, justifies their action, and the list goes on.
People you’ll discover and closely see when working a Programme to better yourself, can be very unauthentic and dress themselves up in “being nice” l, when in fact getting outside of a comfort zone to help, care for, love for is just too much for them.
I now understand that I have, by evolution, luckily jettisoned or been jettisoned from being part of a clique; something I did not realise. People who were and I suspect are only interested in their own well being; and honestly are people who would not piss on you if you were on fire.
But don’t you forget to look for the colours that delight us in life, and not always the dark. Too often we can read life as black or white, people included, and forget to see the myriad of colours, like behaviours that make us up. As has been said by someone else, there is a bit of bad in the best of us, and a bit of good in the worse of us. People are flawed and it is okay that they hurt us. It’s how we react.
What one learns.
Don’t judge, even if you want to or are maybe justified, even despite my own judgement which is work in progress. You ain’t going to change them. And life is too short.
Look at your gratitude list, of what you have.
Claire and I have a life in Mull ahead of us rich in the people who stuck with us, and who we’ve met.
And people this is what counts. You ultimately have yourself and those that stick with you and those you meet.
Try and see life as a train journey. During your journey people get on and off the train and that’s okay.
There will be joy, there will be sadness, there will be anger, there will be hate. But that’s okay. It’s normal. You also need to realise who your real friends are or more precisely surround yourself with people who have true love for others despite what the others have done.
Let go of people who do you no good.
Be concerned with your side of the street and it being kept clean. Leave them to theirs.
I let down many people but came to realise I’m a good honest person but had poor behaviours. Do the same, don’t let others ruin, shame, gossip, hurt you. You know who you are. It’s your interpretation on things not others. If they are so poor as to not see beyond poor or poorly behaviours then they are in fact poor in themselves and poorly.
Monday's are not BLUE, Self-concept, and Ducks.
Monday’s are NOT blue. They are fun, like any other day. And why are they fun? It depends on how we view life and see people, places, and things. Do we take the universe view of ultimate simplicity, or Mankind’s over-complication over stuff that does not really matter?
Claire has been out for a run from Dervaig on the Isle of Mull and sent me a rather amusing image, which sums up island life. It made me laugh at the simplicity of life and of how not to take things too seriously.
And I use to take things way too seriously, was materialistic; note the connection between the two. In letting go of it all and surrendering to life I found something I had for so long been looking for, and that was a greater connection with life, in fact the Universe and all it comprises. Not the connection to objects, nor the gaining of them which seems to be life’s sole raison d’etre these days. A sigh leaves me. There is so much to see, so much to cherish in life and nature, the Universe; and we can so easily lose this in life’s travails or what we feel we should be doing as dictated to by society, or in my opinion the Jekyll and Hyde in us when it comes to Social Media and the ever prevalent technology.
The above photo sums up the beauty of nature and of how it can remind us of the Universe’s beauty because of its sheer simplicity. Something we delight in. As though we’ve had something triggered in us that makes our feel alive, and part of something. It may be a tree on a hill, drystone walls, a green field with yellow flowers rolling up to the crest of the hill. Yet this catches our attention, and makes us stop to photograph this image within the White Peak between Dove Dale and the Manifold River. In its simplicity we see and feel a connection with living things, and this I believe rekindles and reinforces our connection to life and people. It is how I feel. And connection is important. Simplicity and Self within this context overpowers a lack of connection, the battle against others and life, the Universe. We shift from Self-isolation and a complex life to Self-connection and valuing the simplicity of Self and living.
A road down to the Manifold and Hamps River junction, part of the route I took on a recent walk. And spent time in retrospection. And my life is a journey of retrospection but not of regrets, now one of learning, and of passing that on. No time for being maudlin especially on such a good walk. Where am I going and where can I actually take myself should I choose?
It is a journey of Self (concept).
Wikipedia definition of self-concept
In the psychology of self, one's self-concept (also called self-construction, self-identity, self-perspective or self-structure) is a collection of beliefs about oneself.[1][2] Generally, self-concept embodies the answer to the question "Who am I?".[3]
Simplicity
But let us not forget the simplicity of the Universe and of not over-complicating it. We people can over-complicate and over think. It is just about being yourself and when asking who am I, be aware that you simply are and don’t need to think about it/that, and but take pleasure in being part of something, being connected to all that lives, sentient or not.
There is a lot for keeping it simple. That is how I approach it all, and this takes me full circle back to shunning materialism and the complexity of social mores or requirements. Of being like the tree on the hill, or the yellow flower in a field - free, simple, living. They form part of the whole and no part of Mankind’s Societal Universe, which sits alone from the whole.
Yet let us not forget humour in our being ourselves. If we look like a duck, walk like a duck, quack like a duck, then we are a duck. We are who we are. We are our own duck (or probably Calvin…)
Ducky on a Sunday
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck, then it probably is a duck. And yep, it looks like a dreary Sunday at the tail end of April in Dukinfield, Tameside.
I had a lie in as was tired, and am still tired, and am also nursing a war wound from a bike incident on Friday. Claire is out and about on Mull making a recce of the June 2nd Mull Sportive route.
So one of us is in Ducky Dukinfield, the other Tobermory, Isle of Mull.
Note the subtle difference between the two photographs. You’ll see that I win hands down in Tameside (with eyes closed, fingers in ears, and a lot of imagination.)
I do though want to get out an not be trapped indoors, but I must listen to myself and I am tired. I think I will put some Insight Timer meditative music on and take 40 winks.
('Forty Winks' is an English expression meaning a short nap or snooze. It is a gentle indulgence, something rather spoiling, and if you haven't tried it before, something we would highly recommend. The phrase can be traced back to Dr Kitchiner's 1821 self-help guide, 'The Art of Invigorating and Prolonging Life'.)
Speaking of taking an invigorating and prolonged life I do intend getting out on the bike for a canal ride, or at the very least cycling later on to Christ Church in Ashton for a meeting. I shall see how it all pans out. Nowadays I am very much in the moment person. If it happens great, if it does not then great.
For me a gentle spiritual life appeals. And being happy, not to mention not serving others needs or expectations. It is about being peaceful with what happens outside and inside, and by inside I mean my thoughts. A time to rest physically and mentally. And it has ben a busy week.
Jealous, but not really....
I am jealous, but not really. In fact excited. So what’s this all about a cow (coo in Scotland.)
A coo.
The Wifey, She who must be Obeyed, The Boss, Teach, Run for the Hills, Mrs Cobley, Mrs C, Yeah Baby, and a variety of other names went out for a walk last night after school. Above Tobermory is a track into the countryside where there is a radio mast. She drove up there, parked, and walked, and what photos she sent, what photos.
I was jealous because I was not there with Claire, who I miss a lot, whilst bathed in miserable weather in Dukinfield, and suffering from this infernal cold and cough. But after a great sleep having taken a Lemsip I feel more sprightly this morning and have not hacked a cough out and fingers crossed. So jealously pivoted to excitement at knowing that my new home is not that far away.
This last photo really sums up living on Mull and Claire must have been very near Ardmore Bay to the north of Tobermory looking across the sea to Ardnamurchan Peninsular on the mainland. Just stunning, with plenty of hills (Munros) to explore.
Today is a mixed one with two hours volunteering over lunchtime with OCD Action as I help facilitate a general OCD support group. Then after that I’m working on myself with some CBT for my own OCD via Silvercloud, and will soon also receive some one to one sessions via Oldham Talking Therapies, for which I am grateful. And I am certainly grateful for the NHS and always have been for what it does and continues to do. So it is with sadness that I see it creak and groan to the extent that it does with such damage riven through it by the failed private policies of the Conservatives. I am not saying Labour will have the solutions, but we can only hope.
And I will be one of the lucky ones who has been able to pay for private health needs, has received work medical insurance, and benefited from NHS services. And will receive just as much and more in a more sparsely populated area and probably better funded service in Argyll and Bute.
Lego at 52 years of age, and I am not ashamed.
So it is with delight I write this post about Lego whilst watching Rio Lobo on the TV in a nice warm house whilst the cold and the wind swirls outside in Dukinfield. (And I think I may have caught a cold.)
I’ve been busy with making the lounge of my temporary accommodation Cobley friendly, and I think I have succeeded to a great extent, with room for improvement. Ho hum. I find Lego building has delighted and soothed me, and my housemates I honestly believe have felt the same.
I am enjoying my time in Dukinfield with ANEW and focusing on my recovery with over 7 months under my belt presently. But I keep it a day at a time and such a simple approach and listening to what I am told has and does make a difference; only took me over 12 years to the despair of myself and others.
Monday sees me work and study to a Level 2 qualification for counselling, and something I wish to follow, whilst running my beloved business found us. I finish the study first week of April and want to get myself onto Level 3 for the September intake, and suspect it will be with learndirect.
The challenge being for Level 3, hence learndirect, being that I will be in Mull by July/August. Claire and I had always wanted to live in Scotland, in the Highlands, not too remote mind you. So she decided to go for and get a role as Biology Teacher at Tobermory High School. Sheesh. There is remote Scotland, and there is a Hebridean island… She started teaching January and is living in rented accommodation with our ultimately buying a property.
I’ve been to Mull and must admit I am looking forward to it despite trepidation as it is a wonderful place and lifestyle in which to live and embrace.
Oh and the Lego is coming with me.
Books to read on a dark and cold January 2024
If you are looking to hibernate this morning under the duvet, why not consider a list of books I put together on my found us business website. I view it as a sister site to be honest and it’s not really a formal or boring business website. Anyway have a gander at some very interesting books.
The first of the nine book, and a good read.
Why do I read? Because I enjoy it. Because I learn. Because I can choose what I read. Is that not beautiful?
The books I list really helped me with goals and planning and addiction to technology, which had become a big problem. They also helped me to examine myself and question my motives behind my usage of social media and letting people know what I was up to. Ever had that moment an hour later after a social media maelstrom where you wonder what you are doing and where has an hour of your life gone?
There is a lot of self discovery in reading these books.