Getting there was a trot on Thursday to Wild Bank above Stalybridge. The start of getting fit and getting prepared for the Saunders Mountain Marathon in July.
It was a good run. I tried new paths, had a couple of nice phone calls, bumped into a friend called Lee on the canal towpath, and spent time musing. And this musing was good, good for me anyway. More on that to come.
Wild Bank is an oft run hill (Pike in local parlance) that sits above Stalybridge and acts an outpost of the wider Moors, sitting between the Manchester conurbation and Saddleworth Moorland. It is a great place for running, cycling, horse riding, and plain old walking. And for the drinky poo brigade, there are plenty of drop off points for this, Hadfield, Padfield, Glossop to name but a few.
Here’s some photos of the run to give you an idea of how easy it is to run from Dukinfield, or for that matter anywhere with access along the Ashton/Huddersfield/Peak Forest Canals into this moorland.
In terms of the route for the aficionados, here is the OS plot overlaid on a 1.25k map.
Easy does it is said in the Fellowships, such as AA. And I am doing it easy, one moment and one day at a time, and this in no way stops one from dreaming or planning for dreams; got fed up with “goals” a long time ago, finding it a corporate BS phrase and bearing no reflection on growing as a person versus growing someone else’s business and dream. I now have a pleasant feeling of fuck em’ without malice aforethought. I find as I type and found myself as I ran in a stage of calm and peacefulness. One that I have as I sit on a train up to Glasgow to change for a train to Oban, then ferry to Mull.
So musings.
I recall as I type the next bit of this missive a book I love, What I Talk About When I Talk About Running, which tells of the journey the quirky and fascinating Japanese writer Haruki Murakami has been on with his running and writing.
When I ran it was the first solo fell run or trail run I had done in a long time. A long time. My finally falling over in style from May last year with my alcohol addiction, getting into (under pressure from loving others) Vernon House run by the wonderful ANEW, has culminated in a wonderful albeit painful journey of self. The alcoholism driven by chronic “Pure” OCD and childhood trauma led to some absolute pits and awful, truly awful behaviour that hurt and worried a lot of people. As part of recovery you have to take ownership of what you do. You cannot blame the booze for example, irrespective of what occurs since it is you who chooses, it was I who chose to pick up. My chaotic behaviour, a lot hidden but seen by my poor wonderful Claire, caused great hurt and pain. I live with this each day for anyone interested. I also live with the pitiful public exhibition of what went on - lashing out at people who did not deserve it, horrid Facebook and WhatsApp posts. Across to pestering and bothering people with my drunken antics. Blah, Blah, Blah. Awful, absolutely bloody awful.
There has been a lot of pain, and I muse over this now on a train, but back to the run!
During the run and oddly when exercising there have been deep emotional pits of resentment of people who I felt abandoned me. But with this has come understanding, a peace. I shall explain.
No one really wants to be in addiction. Fact. It is an awful place where you disappear and others themselves disappear as they lose you, so losing something that is a part of their very being - we are all intertwined. All addicts use substances to hide and deal with trauma. Fact. The drinking, the drugs, whatever, is simply the output as the person struggles to come to terms with living life. And you can also see this in acceptable addictions; take exercise, shopping, work, earning money.
No one willing chooses addiction, and this is the pain for addicts when judged by others who have no clue, live in their own lives, and don’t realise how devoid of empathy they are; in washing their hands of addicts they knowingly/unknowingly cause untold shame, hurt, grief. By the way this does not mean they are bad people per se. Just poorly people in their own way.
Addicts are not bad people and I have seen this now first hand. They are people who are poorly, in the grip of substance abuse that controls them physiologically and psychologically. They are not wilful people. When they cross the line into addiction (where is the line?) they become different people. I paraphrase. All I can suggest you do is read a couple of books. Try Chasing the Scream and In the Realm of the Hungry Ghosts.
However, as part of recovery you look into yourself and take ownership, and make apology for what you have done. You strive to be a better person in life, giving as was given to you. You learn that all of us have behaviours and are flawed and you try not to judge.
My recovery was certainly set back in no uncertain terms by my behaviour. Yet we operate in a society of people who we interface with on a regular basis. There’s the rub. I was loved, cared, and picked up by people when in addiction, when acting out, when behaving awfully. But they did not judge once. They saw me beneath the pain, or saw a stranger but a human in suffering. These are too many to name, who all rose to the occasion in my suffering and the suffering I caused.
What has been happening when getting back into things is deep emotional pain and resentment at how I (and Claire) were treated by people we thought friends, and a running club we made our life. This anger has been constantly popping out, often when exercising which for the most part has been cycling, and I assume such activity brings it out. But I’d also let myself go on the physical side with my forming a mental monster of going out fell running. I made it out this week with Paul who understands that worthless thinking addicts have, and the guilt and of how people can play and utilise this. Then I made it out solo on Thursday to re-visit Wild Bank.
The anger came out, but I now find myself at peace. Let me explain.
When you fuck up as an addict it is so, so tough what with the shame and self hate. You get worse. And there are outside factors, including people, especially people. I learnt we all have two types of people. Those who love you, or see the good in people no matter what. But I want to focus on those that judge you, cause the hurt and anger and sit back gossiping and being judgemental whilst not examining their self as you do. These are the people who parade themselves as being nice but are in fact useless and run a mile from someone breaking down, and addiction is a crushing breakdown.
As said my pain and hurt came out in exercise and finally came out in these two runs, especially the solo one this week. I had time to be alone and time to finally Let Go Let God as is said in AA. Not religious God, for that does not exist in AA, but the sheer spirituality of being comfortable with self and letting go of resentment into the Universe or whatever tickles you. And for others I think it natural to go through this process when you work a programme to be a better person. I can talk about it now.
People.
When Claire and I lived in Mossley in Tameside we had, well we thought we had a wonderful life. Sadly I fell into addiction, something that was always going to happen. We had friends, people I had got to know via Claire. These people had come from and were and are part of a running club. Nice people we thought, well I did. In hindsight I am glad these relationships no longer exist with no ill will felt toward people. When the shit hit the fan and I caused chaos these people both supported Claire, ostracised me, and then went on to do their own thing. Anger has now turned to sadness and awareness. I should not call them out but want to more from sharing experience for others.
You soon realise who your friends are in a crisis. And that applies in any situation. But have a thought. And this is turning point for me. People deal differently with crisis, and when it comes to the stigma of addiction a lot run a mile and judge. It’s normal and this happened with me. Basically because they don’t understand it all and assume you are a nasty person, and don’t get me wrong you are when acting out, and they can’t (or won’t) distinguish out of character behaviour. This next bit hurts. They also choose to wash their hands and walk away. It’s easier. I get it. And they’ve been hurt.
In hindsight I am glad I don’t have such people in my life. A “true” person to me is someone who asks what’s wrong, how can I help? Let me hold you physically, mentally, spiritually. Whether to a friend or stranger. They have no ego. Yet they also pull you up on your terrible condition and behaviour; they flinch not from this. That is friendship and love.
They don’t piss off, slag you off, only concern themselves with their own lives. Is this giving? Is this care? The mind numbing hypocrisy of it all is their thinking they are humble, giving people. Living chaste lives. I suspect they focus on others as they won’t address their own behaviours. I think if they did they would be horrified at how they’ve behaved; people who hurt others to feel better and have no concept of others. They lack empathy and it’s so sad. Though we are all capable of this. I was.
Be honest, wear your heart on your sleeve. Be truthful, transparent, trusting. That is true humanity.
In addiction, recovery, or where you attempt change you will be the subject of gossip. For example one person in the group of former friends took it upon herself I suspect to gossip, which caused untold damage to my recovery. Why gossip? It makes people feel better who are not well in themselves, justifies their action, and the list goes on.
People you’ll discover and closely see when working a Programme to better yourself, can be very unauthentic and dress themselves up in “being nice” l, when in fact getting outside of a comfort zone to help, care for, love for is just too much for them.
I now understand that I have, by evolution, luckily jettisoned or been jettisoned from being part of a clique; something I did not realise. People who were and I suspect are only interested in their own well being; and honestly are people who would not piss on you if you were on fire.
But don’t you forget to look for the colours that delight us in life, and not always the dark. Too often we can read life as black or white, people included, and forget to see the myriad of colours, like behaviours that make us up. As has been said by someone else, there is a bit of bad in the best of us, and a bit of good in the worse of us. People are flawed and it is okay that they hurt us. It’s how we react.
What one learns.
Don’t judge, even if you want to or are maybe justified, even despite my own judgement which is work in progress. You ain’t going to change them. And life is too short.
Look at your gratitude list, of what you have.
Claire and I have a life in Mull ahead of us rich in the people who stuck with us, and who we’ve met.
And people this is what counts. You ultimately have yourself and those that stick with you and those you meet.
Try and see life as a train journey. During your journey people get on and off the train and that’s okay.
There will be joy, there will be sadness, there will be anger, there will be hate. But that’s okay. It’s normal. You also need to realise who your real friends are or more precisely surround yourself with people who have true love for others despite what the others have done.
Let go of people who do you no good.
Be concerned with your side of the street and it being kept clean. Leave them to theirs.
I let down many people but came to realise I’m a good honest person but had poor behaviours. Do the same, don’t let others ruin, shame, gossip, hurt you. You know who you are. It’s your interpretation on things not others. If they are so poor as to not see beyond poor or poorly behaviours then they are in fact poor in themselves and poorly.
