It is ever so funny that I choose to write this piece about August 2007, which is fast approaching 17 years ago but the rawness is still there as are the people, and what happened and what they did. I have forgiven my behaviour where I was sat in clinical depression and using drink to cope with it, and undiagnosed OCD. I have forgiven Justin Fenny and John Paul Edwards of their cruel behaviour; sadly it is still a memory for me and will remain so.
Thankfully I did make my peace in Krakow on a Round Table trip with the guys, sharing a day with the lovely Dave Powell. Dave and I on the first day had become disconnected from the others who headed to the famous salt mines outside of Krakow, with David and I wandering and exploring Krakow, me explaining to him what happened and my re-visiting it all. Thank you David, your patience and kindness a great help. I preferred to use these pictures of Krakow with David, whose company I miss, as the other Round Table chaps. I don’t want to post the pictures from the first trip.
Even in 2009, two years after what happened, I can see from the photos I was not right and painting a smile. I am able to remember this now; that I was not well.
Little did I know in 2007 how things would turn out. In the first part of the year I’d had an absolutely magical time backpacking with The Pigs in Tunisia - https://flic.kr/s/aHsiN7bZi2 - and it had been a complete discovery.
But little did I know that by summer I had become ill with clinical depression brought on by undiagnosed OCD driven by work pressure from Yahoo! UK & Ireland. I reached a frightening point where I literally could not sleep for days at a time, a clinical component of depression. Lost as to what was happening, with an inconsolable sadness, fatigue, and sleep deprivation I was not functioning and using drink heavily to cope and not aware of how dangerous this was.
By summer I was struggling and really noticed how bad I was on a Choir trip to Bad Bergzabern, near Karlsruher in Germany. I was singing with my old school music Teacher’s Macclesfield Community Choir on their town exchange with this beautiful and friendly German town. Sue Grundy who’s son Stephen I was in school with noticed I was not well, and think this because she’d suffered depression herself. I was functioning, but dog tired, and mentally worn out with the OCD.
After the trip I had a short spell back in Macclesfield before a trip to both Krakow and the ski resort of Zakopane. This is where it fell apart. Of my own accord but very much due to the behaviour crucially of John Paul Edwards; back then a thoroughly awful person.
August time of 2007 or thereabout saw me on a pre-arranged holiday in Krakow with Justin Fenny who I had known from University days (I was 36 at this point) and his friend John Edwards (who I knew through Justin, or thought I knew) and Edwin (who I knew much less, friends with Justin and John Paul Edwards, and more an acquaintance to me.)
Heading first to Durham on the train to stay over with John Paul Edwards or JP, was a bad idea. I should have sought medical attention and not gone, but read about that below. I got to JP’s and was not in a good way, my mind trapped in OCD, yet to be discovered.
In Krakow it was awful and I could not cope, could not sleep, was sleep deprived. I was isolating, withdrawn, in my own thoughts, acting oddly. I understand it was hard for the guys, but how JP and Justin behaved haunts me to this day. One night I was especially not well and decided to stay out drinking in the Jewish Quarter of Krakow. It was a very bad decision in hindsight. I had strong vodka with a cafe owner and then decided to get back to the accomodation. I could not think and was lost and very frightened, and at one point knocked to the ground by some youths but luckily not mugged or assaulted. I did make my way back to the hotel room, and quite wrongly with broken thinking verbally laid into Justin as I felt he’d let me down and was not there. It was wrong and hurt Justin very much, and I get that.
However both Justin, JP’s behaviour especially was appalling. I was ill, and I get my behaviour and depression was hard to fathom, yet they abandoned and ostracised me in a foreign city when I was very ill and poorly, in fact broken and at risk. Thank God a good friend in the form of Leslie Denton was available on the mobile to keep me calm via repeated calls. I somehow managed to get back to the hotel for a shared taxi to the airport. The atmosphere stank. Out of all of this was sickening, nasty behaviour from JP showing no care at all. He was even cruel enough to make me sit elsewhere on the plane back. We landed in Newcastle and my elderly father was forced to drive all the way to airport to collect me, Justin having refused to have me stay over. The arrogance and patronising behaviour shown to my father shocking.
Friends look after each other
What I now learn from this horrible event was these were not friends, not human at all. They could see a human being in distress, not even a stranger to them, and yet did nothing but be cruel in words and action, and took no action to check on my well being. Or even bothered to do anything. Conceited to the absolute core, and this hurt so much and spiralled me wandering the streets alone in fear on that last day.
The last I heard was JP was still at the Geography Department of Durham University working as administrative staff with undergraduates. I can safely say this person must be one of the most uncaring, venomous individuals I have ever met. But that was back then, and people change and people make mistakes. But if not? Then keep a wide berth. I probably sound vengeful but I am not - too much has passed without and within me. I simply tell the facts.
Justin, an old dear friend from first year at university, was willing to sacrifice 18 years of knowing each other. But as I have learnt, there are many wolves in sheep’s clothing. I think Justin one of these. A true friend would have not behaved this way. My other university friends did not and supported me. I hope you are getting all you want out of life Justin, but I ask at what cost? Are you still single, away on ships, buying nice cars with your oil/gas industry money? I suspect you are. Maybe look in the mirror one day.
Bad Bergzabern
A beautiful town if you can get there and not too hard to find, with its own natural hot water spa. The first time there with the choir in retrospect was not pleasant and I struggled. The second time was better but I was still not well. I’d originally visited in 2007, and made it back to see the choir perform in 2010 when on a trip to Stuttgart with Gavin Bose. That was a special day with Gavin and I still remember it now after these years.
Dr D. Morris of Park Green Surgery, Macclesfield (and incredulously an ex-Round Tabler)
Back in 2007 when I started to become very poorly I did engage with my Doctor’s surgery. I respect Doctors and all they have to deal with, and they are not perfect. How can they be? They are only human, however I do feel this worthy of a mention.
I think Dr David Morris of Park Green Surgery can be summed up as follows. I was that ill in 2007 I attempted to hang myself. On seeing Dr Morris and explaining this, his response was to say it can be lonely in the early hours, and that was it. A dire grasp of mental illness and its treatment from a GP, and this was also commented on scathingly as no surprise from the local MIND branch. I honestly think with the proper help at GP level I could have avoided all that was to happen in 2007, and which ultimately led to three months off work from Yahoo! UK & Ireland. You see, I’d seen my Doctor prior to the Bad Bergzabern trip. Way before all really deteriorated.
I mention Round Table as Dr Morris was an ex-Chairman and on mentioning all to my Round Tabler friends was greeted with some less than diplomatic comments.
Anyway it is in the past, history, gone, ephemeral. These people are no longer a part of me, and thank God.